Aahhh, it's one of those years. You have sucky relationship years, you have great ones. You have yucky money years, you have great ones. And then you have those years that everything is pretty much on an even keel. Well, this year is not one of those! I think it's a sucky year for relationships and health issues.
First the health issues. About 5 weeks ago a coworker didn't show, didn't call in, nothing. We all know she lives alone. I'd been trying to mentor her, so I thought I'd check up on her. Well, I call and no answer. I try again and I get her but she sounds really bad. So, I tell her get ready cause I'm taking her to the doctor. Long story short, she almost bled out; they had to transfuse her with 7 units of blood. She almost died! Longer story short, Stage III Uterine cancer, spread to a couple lymph nodes and intestine. Lots happened in the past 5 weeks - moved her to an apartment, sold her house, became her emotional surrogate mother, helped her get started with chemo/radiation. Takes a lot of time, energy, self. Then, last week, another coworker had emergency surgery for an intestinal obstruction. She'll be out for at least 6 weeks herself. Yikes!
As for myself, a few years back doctors noticed I have a heart murmur. Up to now I haven't really stressed about it. I just take my antibiotics when I go to the dentist, etc. Well, at a recent gyn annual, it was very apparent to the nurse practitioner (whereas before it was faint if heard at all). So, now I get to go for a wellness checkup (which I belatedly realized I should be doing in conjunction with my annual gyn appt). Lovely. Now I'm nervous.
As relationships go. Hubby and I have hit a low spot. I don't think it's as low as some we've had below, but it's the lowest we've had for a few years. How would you like it if your husband said you were a strange one on your 14th wedding anniversary and then three days later tells you you're not his soulmate but he'll stick with you till his soulmate comes along. On the one side, it's good he feels comfortable expressing himself. On the other side, why the hell would he say that unless he's getting distracted? And, how do you respond to something like that? I have to admit that he probably isn't my soul mate. My first love was likely my soul mate, but he was totally messed up. But why say it? And now? It does wonders for one's ego. And it keeps me wondering. I'd love to ask him about it, but he's not the type of person who will talk that sort of stuff up. Matter of fact, he pretty much sucks at communication. And he admits it. I have learned to take what I can get and tiptoe around the rest.
But I shouldn't have to tiptoe around the rest. I do know that having children complicates the matter immensely. Would we still be together if we didn't have children? Probably not. Are we staying together just because of the children? I don't think so. I think two people who aren't soulmates can be together and work together and eventually become each other's soulmate. It all depends on how each partner approaches the relationship and what and how far each person can or is willing to work out with the other. So, I'd like to think that though we may not be each other's soulmate, we can become each other's soulmate. It just depends on how willing each of us is to work toward a common goal.
16 June 2007
09 April 2007
Happy Easter
What is it with men? They can be real a**holes sometimes.
Ok, now that I got that off my chest...
Happy Easter.
It's been a while since I last wrote. Not that anyone reads these. But it is nice to put my thoughts down knowing it's possible they might be read by someone of a simpatico mindset. Yes, I am in a 'good' mood...not.
Easter is a time to celebrate Christ's resurrection that fulfills the promise of Heaven. And what do I get to put up with today? Well, it fer sure ain't Heaven!
1. Get the kids up. - this goes well
2. Get Gabe dressed - good
3. Get ready - good
4. Chris tears half of a sleeve of his new shirt (he was trying to 'stretch' it). So, instead of coming to tell us, he's moping on his bedroom floor. So, I get to spend the next 10 minutes scrounging for another presentable shirt.
5. Rufus loans Chris a tie and shows him how to tie it. Chris hates it. "The tie makes him choke." While I understand this, he only needs to wear the tie through church and then he can take it off.
5. Pictures of Cassie, Gabe, Chris, Rufus - everyone is too grumpy to ask for one including me.
6. Rufus can't find keys - spend 15 minutes looking for them (I don't know HOW he can lose a set of keys so effectively!).
7. We're getting a late start, but Rufus has to have his Starbucks. Already he's bein sarcastic to Chris.
8. (At Starbucks) Only one pkg of Madelines left. Rufus snags them for Gabe (even though Chris would like at least one).
8. Pick up Tillie - knee highs with a knee length dress (hmmm).
9. Church - try to sit as a family but Gabe will have nothing to do with it. So, he and I head out to the playground for 30 minutes.
10. About the time he becomes uncontrollable, I swap with Rufus.
11. Tillie wants to go to dinner but won't pick the restaurant. I pick for her - Red Lobster's.
12. Dinner, drop Tillie off, and then home where Rufus (in one of his brooding bad moods) goes to work in the backyard.
13. Gabe 'works' with him for the most part.
This is only the first 6 hours of the day. It didn't get any better, which put me into one of those moods.
Just one day I'd like to be alone. Or at least from the time I get up until 7:00 PM. Oh well, Christ suffered worse.
Ok, now that I got that off my chest...
Happy Easter.
It's been a while since I last wrote. Not that anyone reads these. But it is nice to put my thoughts down knowing it's possible they might be read by someone of a simpatico mindset. Yes, I am in a 'good' mood...not.
Easter is a time to celebrate Christ's resurrection that fulfills the promise of Heaven. And what do I get to put up with today? Well, it fer sure ain't Heaven!
1. Get the kids up. - this goes well
2. Get Gabe dressed - good
3. Get ready - good
4. Chris tears half of a sleeve of his new shirt (he was trying to 'stretch' it). So, instead of coming to tell us, he's moping on his bedroom floor. So, I get to spend the next 10 minutes scrounging for another presentable shirt.
5. Rufus loans Chris a tie and shows him how to tie it. Chris hates it. "The tie makes him choke." While I understand this, he only needs to wear the tie through church and then he can take it off.
5. Pictures of Cassie, Gabe, Chris, Rufus - everyone is too grumpy to ask for one including me.
6. Rufus can't find keys - spend 15 minutes looking for them (I don't know HOW he can lose a set of keys so effectively!).
7. We're getting a late start, but Rufus has to have his Starbucks. Already he's bein sarcastic to Chris.
8. (At Starbucks) Only one pkg of Madelines left. Rufus snags them for Gabe (even though Chris would like at least one).
8. Pick up Tillie - knee highs with a knee length dress (hmmm).
9. Church - try to sit as a family but Gabe will have nothing to do with it. So, he and I head out to the playground for 30 minutes.
10. About the time he becomes uncontrollable, I swap with Rufus.
11. Tillie wants to go to dinner but won't pick the restaurant. I pick for her - Red Lobster's.
12. Dinner, drop Tillie off, and then home where Rufus (in one of his brooding bad moods) goes to work in the backyard.
13. Gabe 'works' with him for the most part.
This is only the first 6 hours of the day. It didn't get any better, which put me into one of those moods.
Just one day I'd like to be alone. Or at least from the time I get up until 7:00 PM. Oh well, Christ suffered worse.
25 February 2007
Help! I'm in diet he**!
I am proud to write that after two weeks of diet and exercise I lost 3.5 pounds and .5 inch off my waist, thigh, and hips. That was enough to fit into a pair of jeans I bought last year! I am not so proud to write that this third week was off the charts. Girl Scout cookies beckoned. And much as I tried to resist, I just couldn't. So, I gained about a 1 to 1.5 pounds. Ugh. Especially since I can actually see results. I'm so afraid I'll keep backtracking!
It's exhilarating to lose weight and get thinner (when one is so big). But at the same time, it's scary. I'm so used to wearing a certain size and having my clothes fit a certain way. And now, those clothes are baggy, and they're not fitting very well. So, while I like that they're bigger, I don't like that they emphasize my size by making me look sloppy. And I don't want to buy more clothes because I don't intend on wearing them long as I want to lose more weight.
It's like a catch-22. Ugh!
So, next week - let's try again. What derailed me this week was Girl Scout cookies and bread. So, next week it's veggies and fruit and as little processed grain as possible. And lots of water. I need to cut back on the diet cokes too, but they help suppress my appetite. I drink between 3 and 7 a day. Even just the 3 a day is too much, but I sure do like them.
What also derailed me this week was an increasing metabolism. At least I think that what it was. The last few days I would eat and just 1.5 hours later I'd be hungry again. I'm like hungry all the time. I try to eat right, but it goes straight through me. It helps some when I drink water, but that lasts only a few minutes.
I so want to get in shape! I go to the gym at least 3 days a week, and I try to get a brisk 2 mile walk at least 1 or 2 days a week. And I don't mind any of that. I actually look forward to it, which is something I've never looked forward to in my entire life. It's the eating and presence of any type of food that is keeping my progress down. I've started a diet log where I write (almost) everything that I've had and tabulate the calorie counts. My goal is a maximum of 1500 calories a day. This is based on feedback from a personal trainer I used for 6 months. (It's more expensive than I can afford at this time. Otherwise, I'd still be using her.) It's very difficult for me to keep below 1700 calories, so I'm still working on this. I'd say this is my biggest challenge. That and the "I am due" mentality that hits me every weekend.
One of my new year's resolutions is to lose 25 lbs. So far I've lost 4 pounds. I've got 21 lbs and 10 months to go. So, I've got to improve my will power and self control! Help!
It's exhilarating to lose weight and get thinner (when one is so big). But at the same time, it's scary. I'm so used to wearing a certain size and having my clothes fit a certain way. And now, those clothes are baggy, and they're not fitting very well. So, while I like that they're bigger, I don't like that they emphasize my size by making me look sloppy. And I don't want to buy more clothes because I don't intend on wearing them long as I want to lose more weight.
It's like a catch-22. Ugh!
So, next week - let's try again. What derailed me this week was Girl Scout cookies and bread. So, next week it's veggies and fruit and as little processed grain as possible. And lots of water. I need to cut back on the diet cokes too, but they help suppress my appetite. I drink between 3 and 7 a day. Even just the 3 a day is too much, but I sure do like them.
What also derailed me this week was an increasing metabolism. At least I think that what it was. The last few days I would eat and just 1.5 hours later I'd be hungry again. I'm like hungry all the time. I try to eat right, but it goes straight through me. It helps some when I drink water, but that lasts only a few minutes.
I so want to get in shape! I go to the gym at least 3 days a week, and I try to get a brisk 2 mile walk at least 1 or 2 days a week. And I don't mind any of that. I actually look forward to it, which is something I've never looked forward to in my entire life. It's the eating and presence of any type of food that is keeping my progress down. I've started a diet log where I write (almost) everything that I've had and tabulate the calorie counts. My goal is a maximum of 1500 calories a day. This is based on feedback from a personal trainer I used for 6 months. (It's more expensive than I can afford at this time. Otherwise, I'd still be using her.) It's very difficult for me to keep below 1700 calories, so I'm still working on this. I'd say this is my biggest challenge. That and the "I am due" mentality that hits me every weekend.
One of my new year's resolutions is to lose 25 lbs. So far I've lost 4 pounds. I've got 21 lbs and 10 months to go. So, I've got to improve my will power and self control! Help!
15 February 2007
Th-th-th-thursday
It's Thursday, it's Thursday! Only one more day till the weekend! I finally found the cause for the difference. All that effort, and it was one line, one variable. I referenced the wrong variable. One change later, and the world was once more sweet. The tests are now with the BA (Business Analyst), and I'm now working on code coverage. I need 100% code coverage, which is why I had to do so much testing. I love Xpeditor!
Today went smoothly. No issues (yet) at school. Lunch with a coworker. I went to the gym but didn't work out - I weighed in and measured. In 2 weeks, I've lost 3.5 pounds. I lost 1/2 inch each in my waist, thigh, hips. At first I was bummed it was only 1/2 inch, but then I realized that was a 2 week difference. So, it actually seems pretty good. Now I gotta keep it up. Diet - diet - diet! It is getting easier to make the right choices. And if something is just too tempting, I make sure it's only 1 or 2 times max a week. And I make up for it by working out extra and/or eating more carefully for a few days. You go Girl! (Always nice to pat oneself on the back.) I am SO not motivated to fix my lunch for tomorrow. But I've got to. It keeps me on the straight and narrow.
Yesterday was Valentine's Day. Other than dealing with the fallout of school issues, it was an ok day. Chris went with me to work. He did his homework and read. It was Early Release day, so we left around 12:45 to pick up Cassie. I spent the afternoon working from home, in the living room, while C & C enjoyed reading - in the living room. If I have to work from home because of their misdeeds, they get to suffer some while I'm working. Not that I would call reading suffering, but as no computers, TV, Gameboys, etc. was permitted, they felt it was suffering enough.
We ordered pizza for C&C&G and Rufus and I went out to dinner. Amazingly, I kept to my diet - mahi and broccoli. It was nice and relaxing and delicious. Rufus gave me some lovely tulips. My maternal grandmother grew tulips. They circled the trees in the backyard. - I'm getting tired. Stayed up too late last night, and now I'm paying for it, so signing off. Till next time.
Today went smoothly. No issues (yet) at school. Lunch with a coworker. I went to the gym but didn't work out - I weighed in and measured. In 2 weeks, I've lost 3.5 pounds. I lost 1/2 inch each in my waist, thigh, hips. At first I was bummed it was only 1/2 inch, but then I realized that was a 2 week difference. So, it actually seems pretty good. Now I gotta keep it up. Diet - diet - diet! It is getting easier to make the right choices. And if something is just too tempting, I make sure it's only 1 or 2 times max a week. And I make up for it by working out extra and/or eating more carefully for a few days. You go Girl! (Always nice to pat oneself on the back.) I am SO not motivated to fix my lunch for tomorrow. But I've got to. It keeps me on the straight and narrow.
Yesterday was Valentine's Day. Other than dealing with the fallout of school issues, it was an ok day. Chris went with me to work. He did his homework and read. It was Early Release day, so we left around 12:45 to pick up Cassie. I spent the afternoon working from home, in the living room, while C & C enjoyed reading - in the living room. If I have to work from home because of their misdeeds, they get to suffer some while I'm working. Not that I would call reading suffering, but as no computers, TV, Gameboys, etc. was permitted, they felt it was suffering enough.
We ordered pizza for C&C&G and Rufus and I went out to dinner. Amazingly, I kept to my diet - mahi and broccoli. It was nice and relaxing and delicious. Rufus gave me some lovely tulips. My maternal grandmother grew tulips. They circled the trees in the backyard. - I'm getting tired. Stayed up too late last night, and now I'm paying for it, so signing off. Till next time.
13 February 2007
Turbulent Tuesday
Well, at least Monday was good. Today was a bit more exciting. I still didn't figure out why my test has a difference. But I do have a suspicion. That is first on my agenda tomorrow. That and mentoring a newbie, a not so newbie, and an up-and-comer. (The picture is of my husband's nephew (on the left) and his crew - Iraq. He is SUCH a sweetie! Check out his MySpace - he's known as Carface.)
I woke up this morning, as usual, each time my alarms (yes, alarms) when off. I just didn't get up until 45 minutes later. So, I got to work at 7:30 - my almost usual time. Then, at 11:00, the first of two wonderful phone calls. This one from my son's middle school. He was involved in an altercation at the beginning of second period, and as a result, he is suspended for one day - Valentine's Day. Lovely.
At 1:00, the second of the two phone calls. This one from my daughter's high school. She got a second school bus referral - blocking the aisle with her legs. And now she's suspended from the school bus for a day - Valentine's Day. Double lovely.
The good thing, if it can be called good, is that my son didn't initiate the altercation. He was being harassed, and he retaliated in kind. The other boy admitted as such, so both were punished. There isn't anything good about being suspended from the bus. It means I have to leave work early to pick her up. Fortunately, my boss understands. And since I can work from home, I can make up my time tomorrow. I have plenty of work!
Gabe was such a chatterbox today. I took him to the gym with me. He enjoys the daycare. And once again, he was playing pretend - pretending to prepare and eat food. I had a good workout - 8 minutes on the ARC, 15 minutes on the Elliptical, and workout the legs and butt. The burn feels good!
Well, hopefully tomorrow will be better. Chris is going with me to work. No Gameboy, all homework and reading. Nice and boring. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. We're going to a Japanese buffet restaurant called Wasabi's. I'm still debating whether to take the kids or let them have pizza at home. Remember, they're serving suspensions tomorrow. Other than that, it'll be another day. Valentine's Day is well and good; it just comes at an inconvenient time.
Happy Heart Day!
12 February 2007
Quiet Monday and All About Gabe
It's been a quiet Monday. Actually, a rather good Monday. I woke up early this morning - 5:15. Not necessarily by choice. Rather, it was a combination of a vivid dream and the pressing need to relieve myself. Once up, it was easier to stay up than to go back to bed and oversleep. So, I got to work at 6:45. There are quite a bit of people at work that early in the morning. Get to go home early, which is a bonus.
Not much happened at work. I'm running tests for file rebuilds that I'll be doing. All but one of the first set of tests went fine. I spent the better part of the day trying to figure out why I have a data difference that's seemingly unrelated in the last test. Couldn't find it, so that will be may only order of business tomorrow until I figure it out. I've got a beta install in 2 weeks, so it's imperative that I figure this out quickly.
Left work at 3:15 and went to the gym. An hour later I was off to pick up Gabe. And then it was home. We were home by 6:00. Dinner was on the table by 7:15, and Gabe and I spent the rest of his evening working on his puzzles. He does love his puzzles. Gabe is my 3 year old. He's Autistic. When he was born, he was perfect. But as the days went by and he didn't progress, I grew concerned. Physically, he was fine. Developmentally, he was what I called a "bump on a log." He rarely reached out with his hands and arms, and he rarely kicked. He had nystagmus (rapid side to side eye movement), and he never cooed. It seemed as though no one would take me seriously when I said something was wrong. So I called and got him an appt with Early Steps. At 3 months of age, he was a developmental 2 week old. We got him into occupational and physical therapy right away. A year later, and he was age appropriate for gross motor skills. But still no talking.
By this time we had seen several doctors, had 2 MRI's, several blood workups including a genetics test, and more that I can't even think of now. No one could pin down just what was wrong with him. And until then, we had to keep searching. In the meantime, though, through Early Steps, we got him into speech therapy while he continued occupational therapy.
Another year passed. Still no talking. Wait. One word. Can we guess what that word is? One guess, 2 letters, the first one is 'N'. That's right! N-O, no. Complete with side to side head shaking. It was extremely frustrating. Then, we finally got in to see a neuro-psychologist. More testing, and the diagnosis we had been pushing away for 2 1/2 years - Autism. I cried through out the entire meeting and the rest of the day. It was devastating.
Fast forward 8 months later, and here we are. At home, Gabe is learning sign language. This facilitates his communication without needing anything but himself. It also facilitates occupational therapy. Gabe is also in a ESE Preschool class specifically directed for Autistic children. At school he uses PECS to communicate. I've been partially trained in the use of PECS, but knowing my family, it'll never be done consistently at home. Thus the sign language.
As for his personality - he's come such a long way. I am so proud of him! Gabriel is an affectionate little boy. He loves playing tickle, gives hugs and kisses, and when he's done wrong he seeks you out to be comforted. Just 2 days ago, Gabe actually played pretend! He was watching Elmo. Elmo fell down, so Gabe fell down. And Gabe lay there while mommy oohed all over him. Then he jumped up 'all better', and we celebrated. Gabe also actively uses the sign language he knows to communicate his wants and needs, and he is becoming more receptive to learning more signs. As we show them to him, for the most part, he will imitate them without prompting. He's learning that this helps him express himself!
And Gabriel is speaking 2 new words! 'Yes' and 'movies'. You know when he says 'yes' - he says 'ess', but it's good enough for me! As for 'movies', he signs the word and says 'meese'. Again, good enough for me!
Gabe is now 3 years and 2 1/2 months old. I'd say that verbally, he's 8 months; and developmentally, he's 2 years. But he's going through a growth spurt right now - not only physical but mental and emotional. I am thrilled as is dad. We comment almost daily about things he's doing that he never did before. It is wonderful seeing him grow.
The rest of my Monday is winding down. I'm finishing off this blog, and then I'll fix my lunch for tomorrow. I'll watch CSI: Miami and head off to bed. And maybe, just maybe, Tuesday will be just as good as today was.
For now - happily content - good night.
Not much happened at work. I'm running tests for file rebuilds that I'll be doing. All but one of the first set of tests went fine. I spent the better part of the day trying to figure out why I have a data difference that's seemingly unrelated in the last test. Couldn't find it, so that will be may only order of business tomorrow until I figure it out. I've got a beta install in 2 weeks, so it's imperative that I figure this out quickly.
Left work at 3:15 and went to the gym. An hour later I was off to pick up Gabe. And then it was home. We were home by 6:00. Dinner was on the table by 7:15, and Gabe and I spent the rest of his evening working on his puzzles. He does love his puzzles. Gabe is my 3 year old. He's Autistic. When he was born, he was perfect. But as the days went by and he didn't progress, I grew concerned. Physically, he was fine. Developmentally, he was what I called a "bump on a log." He rarely reached out with his hands and arms, and he rarely kicked. He had nystagmus (rapid side to side eye movement), and he never cooed. It seemed as though no one would take me seriously when I said something was wrong. So I called and got him an appt with Early Steps. At 3 months of age, he was a developmental 2 week old. We got him into occupational and physical therapy right away. A year later, and he was age appropriate for gross motor skills. But still no talking.
By this time we had seen several doctors, had 2 MRI's, several blood workups including a genetics test, and more that I can't even think of now. No one could pin down just what was wrong with him. And until then, we had to keep searching. In the meantime, though, through Early Steps, we got him into speech therapy while he continued occupational therapy.
Another year passed. Still no talking. Wait. One word. Can we guess what that word is? One guess, 2 letters, the first one is 'N'. That's right! N-O, no. Complete with side to side head shaking. It was extremely frustrating. Then, we finally got in to see a neuro-psychologist. More testing, and the diagnosis we had been pushing away for 2 1/2 years - Autism. I cried through out the entire meeting and the rest of the day. It was devastating.
Fast forward 8 months later, and here we are. At home, Gabe is learning sign language. This facilitates his communication without needing anything but himself. It also facilitates occupational therapy. Gabe is also in a ESE Preschool class specifically directed for Autistic children. At school he uses PECS to communicate. I've been partially trained in the use of PECS, but knowing my family, it'll never be done consistently at home. Thus the sign language.
As for his personality - he's come such a long way. I am so proud of him! Gabriel is an affectionate little boy. He loves playing tickle, gives hugs and kisses, and when he's done wrong he seeks you out to be comforted. Just 2 days ago, Gabe actually played pretend! He was watching Elmo. Elmo fell down, so Gabe fell down. And Gabe lay there while mommy oohed all over him. Then he jumped up 'all better', and we celebrated. Gabe also actively uses the sign language he knows to communicate his wants and needs, and he is becoming more receptive to learning more signs. As we show them to him, for the most part, he will imitate them without prompting. He's learning that this helps him express himself!
And Gabriel is speaking 2 new words! 'Yes' and 'movies'. You know when he says 'yes' - he says 'ess', but it's good enough for me! As for 'movies', he signs the word and says 'meese'. Again, good enough for me!
Gabe is now 3 years and 2 1/2 months old. I'd say that verbally, he's 8 months; and developmentally, he's 2 years. But he's going through a growth spurt right now - not only physical but mental and emotional. I am thrilled as is dad. We comment almost daily about things he's doing that he never did before. It is wonderful seeing him grow.
The rest of my Monday is winding down. I'm finishing off this blog, and then I'll fix my lunch for tomorrow. I'll watch CSI: Miami and head off to bed. And maybe, just maybe, Tuesday will be just as good as today was.
For now - happily content - good night.
09 February 2007
Beading a Bracelet
"It's Friday night and I ain't nobody. I got some money cause I just got paid. and now I wish I had someone to talk to, la la la la la la la la" - I can't remember the rest of the words. It's an old song. I can't even remember who wrote/sang it. I keep hearing it in my head, though. It might have been Cat Stevens, or whatever he's known as now.
I don't know why I'm starting tonight off with that. I just am. I'm beading a bracelet off a pattern I found in the August 2006 edition of Bead and Button magazine. It's just an embellishment off a ladder stitch. It's so easy! I love the colors I'm using; pearl, champagne pink, red wine, beige, It looks so rich. So far I've completed 2 bracelets. I've done the third, all but the fastenings. And I'm almost done with a fourth. The only reason I've not finished the third is because that's actually my first. I used a double strand of Nymo D thread. While I was happy with the outcome, I thought I needed to use something sturdier. I don't want the bracelet to break like some of my earlier creations.
So, I bought some Charcoal Fireline (4lb) from the bead shop (The Bead Hawk). I used a different variation on the colors, and while I liked that one, too, I wasn't all that thrilled about the Charcoal color of the Fireline. The color can be seen through the beads as they are not opaque. So, while I finished that bracelet off, I went searching on the web for the Crystal Fireline. I'd already looked in my local stores - Walmart, Jo-Anne's, sports and fishing stores, etc. But all I could find was 6lb Fireline. While I'm willing to bet this thickness is still good for beading, I wanted to stick to 4lb Fireline. I finally found Crystal Fireline on eBay (Beadaholique is the vendor). Very reasonably priced, too. So, the 3rd bracelet was done using the Crystal Fireline. Yup, that's the ticket! Now I'm thinking about undoing the first bracelet and redoing it using the Crystal Fireline. I probably will.
What I'm hoping to do is to make enough of an inventory of several different items that I can display them at work around Christmas. It would be nice to have some gratification outside of the house. We'll see.
Well, I'm going for now. It's late, and I'm tired. Night.
I don't know why I'm starting tonight off with that. I just am. I'm beading a bracelet off a pattern I found in the August 2006 edition of Bead and Button magazine. It's just an embellishment off a ladder stitch. It's so easy! I love the colors I'm using; pearl, champagne pink, red wine, beige, It looks so rich. So far I've completed 2 bracelets. I've done the third, all but the fastenings. And I'm almost done with a fourth. The only reason I've not finished the third is because that's actually my first. I used a double strand of Nymo D thread. While I was happy with the outcome, I thought I needed to use something sturdier. I don't want the bracelet to break like some of my earlier creations.
So, I bought some Charcoal Fireline (4lb) from the bead shop (The Bead Hawk). I used a different variation on the colors, and while I liked that one, too, I wasn't all that thrilled about the Charcoal color of the Fireline. The color can be seen through the beads as they are not opaque. So, while I finished that bracelet off, I went searching on the web for the Crystal Fireline. I'd already looked in my local stores - Walmart, Jo-Anne's, sports and fishing stores, etc. But all I could find was 6lb Fireline. While I'm willing to bet this thickness is still good for beading, I wanted to stick to 4lb Fireline. I finally found Crystal Fireline on eBay (Beadaholique is the vendor). Very reasonably priced, too. So, the 3rd bracelet was done using the Crystal Fireline. Yup, that's the ticket! Now I'm thinking about undoing the first bracelet and redoing it using the Crystal Fireline. I probably will.
What I'm hoping to do is to make enough of an inventory of several different items that I can display them at work around Christmas. It would be nice to have some gratification outside of the house. We'll see.
Well, I'm going for now. It's late, and I'm tired. Night.
08 February 2007
The Friendship Fence
It's strange being on the other side of the friendship fence. In earlier blogs I wrote about my mistreatment of a high school friend and being mistreated by a former boyfriend. I broke up with the boyfriend to save myself and my sanity. And my friend gave me the heave ho to save herself and her sanity. While I'm glad I broke up with the boyfriend, I am sad that my friend wants nothing to do with me. Even after 20 years.
A lot changes in 20 years. Back then I was an immature, self-centered, self-serving, tease. I was easily influenced and quickly seduced by the lure of the 'bad boy' and all the trappings that came with it - alcohol, drugs, sex. And I flaunted it all over the place regardless of the consequences. Fly forward 20 years and I'm a career woman (with the same company for 18 years), a wife, a mother of 4; still someone who likes to have fun but more prudent and more considerate of others.
Eighteen years after breaking up with the boyfriend, I occasionally think of him. Sometimes it's with tenderness; other times it's with lots of anger. It's those times (the angry times) that I want to make him suffer emotionally. And I want to be there to witness his suffering as a form of payback. Does the friend who gave up on me do the same? Does she remember to good and want payback for the bad?
I know I could never associate with my former boyfriend in any way. I wonder if it's the same with my friend? If I only had the opportunity to talk to her face to face. I've tried apologizing - I am truly sorry - several times, but no response. I really should give up. I would just like the opportunity to tell her that I valued, and still value, her friendship during those tumultuous years. That I've been a much better friend to those who came after her. And that I strive to be the type of friend she was to me. I'll likely not have that opportunity, but I'll keep hoping.
A lot changes in 20 years. Back then I was an immature, self-centered, self-serving, tease. I was easily influenced and quickly seduced by the lure of the 'bad boy' and all the trappings that came with it - alcohol, drugs, sex. And I flaunted it all over the place regardless of the consequences. Fly forward 20 years and I'm a career woman (with the same company for 18 years), a wife, a mother of 4; still someone who likes to have fun but more prudent and more considerate of others.
Eighteen years after breaking up with the boyfriend, I occasionally think of him. Sometimes it's with tenderness; other times it's with lots of anger. It's those times (the angry times) that I want to make him suffer emotionally. And I want to be there to witness his suffering as a form of payback. Does the friend who gave up on me do the same? Does she remember to good and want payback for the bad?
I know I could never associate with my former boyfriend in any way. I wonder if it's the same with my friend? If I only had the opportunity to talk to her face to face. I've tried apologizing - I am truly sorry - several times, but no response. I really should give up. I would just like the opportunity to tell her that I valued, and still value, her friendship during those tumultuous years. That I've been a much better friend to those who came after her. And that I strive to be the type of friend she was to me. I'll likely not have that opportunity, but I'll keep hoping.
23 January 2007
Day 1 of the "new diet".
Breakfast: 1 scoop of scrambled eggs
Mid-morning: 1 1/2 cup fruit, 1/8 c almonds
Lunch: salad - lettuce, 2 tbsp sliced black olives, 1/4 cup turkey, 2 tbsp shredded cheddar, 1/4 cup carrots, 1 tbsp chopped onion, 1 tbsp chopped bell pepper, 3 tbsp lowfat Ranch
Mid-afternoon: 1 1/2 cup fruit, 1/8 c almonds
Dinner: 2 breakfast burritos - southwestern eggbeaters w/ chorizo and 1/2 c potatoes on 2 whole grain wraps
Water: 9 glasses
Diet Coke: 3 20 oz bottles
Gym: yes
Stairs: 2 flights
Actually, the food part wasn't so bad. The mid AM/PM snacks came along right when I was getting hungry, and amazingly, they filled me up. I was a bit hungry before going to the gym. And after working out, I wasn't hungry for a while. Kinda nice. Other than the wraps, no wheat products.
Tomorrow I'll be going to lunch with a coworker. We've already agreed to go to a restaurant where they make great salads. My only problem is they also make great flat bread, which goes great with the salad. And then tomorrow night I have to make muffins for Gabriel's Thursday and Friday lunches. Yum!
All right, enough about food! I have been sedentary all my life. I've had asthma all my life, too. Unfortunately, it wasn't diagnosed until 10 years ago. Growing up, exercise of almost any kind was agony. I remember having to run the mile in 11 minutes in high school. I started running with everyone else but a quarter of a lap later I was gasping for breath. I walked most of my way through that mile, and the PE coach passed me even though it took me 2 minutes longer. Even today I watch any and all athletes and marvel at the ease with which they accomplish their goals.
So, I am finding that I enjoy working out; that I don't have to lean on asthma as a crutch. Oh, I bring my inhaler with me every time, and it's rare that I don't have to use it. But for the first time in my life I'm feeling 'the burn' and I'm enjoying it. I'm seeing muscle definition, and I'm able to get around more easily. I've been plagued with knee problems, and a few years ago I had to have artheroscopic surgery on my left knee. After the surgery, I pretty much became an old lady. It was painful even moving slowly. But now I'm moving and more quickly, too. I'll have to have artheroscopic surgery on my other knee soon, but until then I'm going to continue working out. I actually enjoy sweating!
So, I'm starting to feel more attractive and desirable since I've started working out. Now I need to lose weight. Thus, the diet. Like so many other people, I've started and stopped diets several times. I hope this time is different.
Breakfast: 1 scoop of scrambled eggs
Mid-morning: 1 1/2 cup fruit, 1/8 c almonds
Lunch: salad - lettuce, 2 tbsp sliced black olives, 1/4 cup turkey, 2 tbsp shredded cheddar, 1/4 cup carrots, 1 tbsp chopped onion, 1 tbsp chopped bell pepper, 3 tbsp lowfat Ranch
Mid-afternoon: 1 1/2 cup fruit, 1/8 c almonds
Dinner: 2 breakfast burritos - southwestern eggbeaters w/ chorizo and 1/2 c potatoes on 2 whole grain wraps
Water: 9 glasses
Diet Coke: 3 20 oz bottles
Gym: yes
Stairs: 2 flights
Actually, the food part wasn't so bad. The mid AM/PM snacks came along right when I was getting hungry, and amazingly, they filled me up. I was a bit hungry before going to the gym. And after working out, I wasn't hungry for a while. Kinda nice. Other than the wraps, no wheat products.
Tomorrow I'll be going to lunch with a coworker. We've already agreed to go to a restaurant where they make great salads. My only problem is they also make great flat bread, which goes great with the salad. And then tomorrow night I have to make muffins for Gabriel's Thursday and Friday lunches. Yum!
All right, enough about food! I have been sedentary all my life. I've had asthma all my life, too. Unfortunately, it wasn't diagnosed until 10 years ago. Growing up, exercise of almost any kind was agony. I remember having to run the mile in 11 minutes in high school. I started running with everyone else but a quarter of a lap later I was gasping for breath. I walked most of my way through that mile, and the PE coach passed me even though it took me 2 minutes longer. Even today I watch any and all athletes and marvel at the ease with which they accomplish their goals.
So, I am finding that I enjoy working out; that I don't have to lean on asthma as a crutch. Oh, I bring my inhaler with me every time, and it's rare that I don't have to use it. But for the first time in my life I'm feeling 'the burn' and I'm enjoying it. I'm seeing muscle definition, and I'm able to get around more easily. I've been plagued with knee problems, and a few years ago I had to have artheroscopic surgery on my left knee. After the surgery, I pretty much became an old lady. It was painful even moving slowly. But now I'm moving and more quickly, too. I'll have to have artheroscopic surgery on my other knee soon, but until then I'm going to continue working out. I actually enjoy sweating!
So, I'm starting to feel more attractive and desirable since I've started working out. Now I need to lose weight. Thus, the diet. Like so many other people, I've started and stopped diets several times. I hope this time is different.
22 January 2007
Ugh. I Hate Being Overweight.
Ugh. I'm overweight. I didn't used to be. But from my mid-20's on, the weight trickled on and just didn't go away. Then one day I woke up and saw...a blimp in the mirror. Ok, well not a blimp. Just a rotund woman with a very flabby tummy, inner thighs that rubbed, and a chin and a half. Granted, 4 pregnancies contributed to the tummy - and the saddle bag thighs. But that's no excuse.
The year after my second child was born I went on a health kick. I attended aerobics twice a week, joined a gym, went to Weight Watchers and dropped 45 pounds. A lot! But then a major heavy project got in the way. I worked round the clock for 2 months. That led to a serious case of Bronchitis. An asthma diagnosis and massive allergies then attacked. And you get the picture. Welcome back pounds!
Jump 10 years, and I actually was so engrossed in my family and life that I lost 10 pounds. That was the Golden Year. Not because I was 10 pounds lighter, but because life was just so good. Rufus and I were closer than ever, Cassie and Chris were doing great, we were way in the black and traveling all over the lower 48. And to top it off, I got pregnant again. Nine months later, and the bottom dropped out. Our third child was stillborn. It was devastating. A lot I won't talk about now.
I got pregnant again three months later, and the Year from Hell ensued. You may wonder why I call it the Year from Hell. Imagine having a perfect pregnancy where nothing could go wrong, but then having your child die at birth. Then imagine the total opposite; a pregnancy in which everything that could go wrong did. Gestational Diabetes, Pre-term Labor, a botched Amnio, 4 months bed rest. It was a wonder I didn't lose my mind. I think that there were days, though, that I did. Gabriel was born at 36 weeks; practically perfect in every way. I had post-partum depression for the first year. Not fun.
And since then, the weight has been creeping up. I often think that part of it is due to undiagnosed depression, slight though it may be. I'm on Prozac. I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm a realist. I know I can't get through the day without some way to level out. I could do alcohol or drugs or even tobacco. But I won't do tobacco - too painful for the lungs. I don't want to do alcohol - regularly. Loss of control. As for drugs - loss of all that is valuable to me; my family. So, Prozac it is. Sure does make me much easier to live with. And trust me, I spiral down the toilet quickly if I miss even a day.
So, here I am; F.A.T. Most of the time I can delude myself into thinking I'm not that fat. But in those unguarded moments, I catch myself in the mirror, and the pooches and pouches are glaringly apparent. So, what do I do about it? Well, last June Rufus and I joined the Lifestyle Gym that opened down the street. I worked out for about 5 months with a trainer, but that got too expensive. I'm working out now on my own. Rufus works out with one of his buddies. I'd much rather work out alone - helps me stay focused.
In 6 months, I've lost 12 pounds. It's some but not enough. And I'm finally starting to realize that working out alone just won't cut it. Yes, I've modified my diet. But obviously not enough. I've been talking to a trainer and a well-educated friend, and I finally realize I've got to bite the bullet. No bread! I have GOT to cut the carbs! I'll starve for 2 weeks getting my body used to the new eating plan. I don't know how I'll make it!
The year after my second child was born I went on a health kick. I attended aerobics twice a week, joined a gym, went to Weight Watchers and dropped 45 pounds. A lot! But then a major heavy project got in the way. I worked round the clock for 2 months. That led to a serious case of Bronchitis. An asthma diagnosis and massive allergies then attacked. And you get the picture. Welcome back pounds!
Jump 10 years, and I actually was so engrossed in my family and life that I lost 10 pounds. That was the Golden Year. Not because I was 10 pounds lighter, but because life was just so good. Rufus and I were closer than ever, Cassie and Chris were doing great, we were way in the black and traveling all over the lower 48. And to top it off, I got pregnant again. Nine months later, and the bottom dropped out. Our third child was stillborn. It was devastating. A lot I won't talk about now.
I got pregnant again three months later, and the Year from Hell ensued. You may wonder why I call it the Year from Hell. Imagine having a perfect pregnancy where nothing could go wrong, but then having your child die at birth. Then imagine the total opposite; a pregnancy in which everything that could go wrong did. Gestational Diabetes, Pre-term Labor, a botched Amnio, 4 months bed rest. It was a wonder I didn't lose my mind. I think that there were days, though, that I did. Gabriel was born at 36 weeks; practically perfect in every way. I had post-partum depression for the first year. Not fun.
And since then, the weight has been creeping up. I often think that part of it is due to undiagnosed depression, slight though it may be. I'm on Prozac. I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm a realist. I know I can't get through the day without some way to level out. I could do alcohol or drugs or even tobacco. But I won't do tobacco - too painful for the lungs. I don't want to do alcohol - regularly. Loss of control. As for drugs - loss of all that is valuable to me; my family. So, Prozac it is. Sure does make me much easier to live with. And trust me, I spiral down the toilet quickly if I miss even a day.
So, here I am; F.A.T. Most of the time I can delude myself into thinking I'm not that fat. But in those unguarded moments, I catch myself in the mirror, and the pooches and pouches are glaringly apparent. So, what do I do about it? Well, last June Rufus and I joined the Lifestyle Gym that opened down the street. I worked out for about 5 months with a trainer, but that got too expensive. I'm working out now on my own. Rufus works out with one of his buddies. I'd much rather work out alone - helps me stay focused.
In 6 months, I've lost 12 pounds. It's some but not enough. And I'm finally starting to realize that working out alone just won't cut it. Yes, I've modified my diet. But obviously not enough. I've been talking to a trainer and a well-educated friend, and I finally realize I've got to bite the bullet. No bread! I have GOT to cut the carbs! I'll starve for 2 weeks getting my body used to the new eating plan. I don't know how I'll make it!
20 January 2007
My Family
I've been writing this blog for about 5 weeks, so now it's time to share my family. I'm married. Duh. My husband is Rufus. We have four children. Cassie is the eldest and the only girl. Chris is in middle school. Rufus III died at birth. Had he lived he would be 4. And Gabriel, the youngest is 3.
Rufus is a native Floridian. He's lived his entire life within 50 miles of his birth home. He's the ultimate athlete. He plays softball year-round; men's and coed. His biggest regret is that he didn't stick to baseball when he was young. He certainly had the talent. When he's not playing softball, Rufus can be found tooling around in the garage or in the yard. No lie, I have yet to go into the garage and find something the first time. He loves rearranging everything. I truly do believe he is ADD, which is why he does so well at his job. It's always changing.
Cassie is in her midteens. She lives for soccer and FOB (Fall Out Boy - an alternative rock band). Chris is 16 months younger. He's all about Anime - games, cards, cartoons, books, you name it! Sports? No way! (Much to Rufus's dismay.) Gabriel is 3. He is Autistic, but he's an expressive Autistic. He's into Pixar and Disney and Thomas the Tank Engine.
I am a native New Mexican. I moved to Florida in the late 1980's during the oil embargo and the plummeting Star Wars program. Florida was one of the few states in the lower half of the lower 48 that was still hiring. I moved with $300, no job, no transportation, 1 suitcase, and 2 boxes. I found a job the first week I was here, and I've been here (and at the same employer) since.
Rufus and I met one night when I was clubbing with some friends and he was hanging with his roommate. My friends and I walked into a nightclub, and within 5 minutes Rufus came over to ask me for a dance. I'd recently broken up with a boyfriend, so I was hesitant to play. I told him that if he was still around later in the evening I'd dance with him then, but right now I wanted to relax and have some fun. Some time later, he asked again and I said yes. We closed the nightclub down, and at the end of the night, he gave me his phone number. Didn't even ask me for mine! I went on with my friends and promptly lost his number. Amazingly, the next day, I dialed what I vaguely thought was his phone number. And it was!! We went out that night, and we've been together ever since.
Being a biracial couple in the South, for us, is no big deal. If anyone has issues with us we haven't witnessed it to our faces yet. We do find that everyone remembers us and our family. We go to a restaurant as a couple or family, and anytime afterward all the waitstaff know us and all about is. To our knowledge, we haven't been discriminated against, though I wouldn't doubt that it's happened. As long as it's not to our faces, we don't know it's there. Sometimes I wonder how our children fare outside of home and how their unique heritage will affect their relationships and lives. We'll know soon enough.
Rufus is a native Floridian. He's lived his entire life within 50 miles of his birth home. He's the ultimate athlete. He plays softball year-round; men's and coed. His biggest regret is that he didn't stick to baseball when he was young. He certainly had the talent. When he's not playing softball, Rufus can be found tooling around in the garage or in the yard. No lie, I have yet to go into the garage and find something the first time. He loves rearranging everything. I truly do believe he is ADD, which is why he does so well at his job. It's always changing.
Cassie is in her midteens. She lives for soccer and FOB (Fall Out Boy - an alternative rock band). Chris is 16 months younger. He's all about Anime - games, cards, cartoons, books, you name it! Sports? No way! (Much to Rufus's dismay.) Gabriel is 3. He is Autistic, but he's an expressive Autistic. He's into Pixar and Disney and Thomas the Tank Engine.
I am a native New Mexican. I moved to Florida in the late 1980's during the oil embargo and the plummeting Star Wars program. Florida was one of the few states in the lower half of the lower 48 that was still hiring. I moved with $300, no job, no transportation, 1 suitcase, and 2 boxes. I found a job the first week I was here, and I've been here (and at the same employer) since.
Rufus and I met one night when I was clubbing with some friends and he was hanging with his roommate. My friends and I walked into a nightclub, and within 5 minutes Rufus came over to ask me for a dance. I'd recently broken up with a boyfriend, so I was hesitant to play. I told him that if he was still around later in the evening I'd dance with him then, but right now I wanted to relax and have some fun. Some time later, he asked again and I said yes. We closed the nightclub down, and at the end of the night, he gave me his phone number. Didn't even ask me for mine! I went on with my friends and promptly lost his number. Amazingly, the next day, I dialed what I vaguely thought was his phone number. And it was!! We went out that night, and we've been together ever since.
Being a biracial couple in the South, for us, is no big deal. If anyone has issues with us we haven't witnessed it to our faces yet. We do find that everyone remembers us and our family. We go to a restaurant as a couple or family, and anytime afterward all the waitstaff know us and all about is. To our knowledge, we haven't been discriminated against, though I wouldn't doubt that it's happened. As long as it's not to our faces, we don't know it's there. Sometimes I wonder how our children fare outside of home and how their unique heritage will affect their relationships and lives. We'll know soon enough.
The Neighbors Are Moving!
Our neighbors are moving! Whew! Can't say how glad we are that they're moving! It's not like they're loud or rude or don't keep their yard clean or trash the place. Rather, they seem to feel they are above everyone in the cul de sac, all except for the guy who lives across the street. The one whose girlfriend recently moved out.
We've been living in the same subdivision for 11 years; the first eight of which were spent at the front of the subdivision. When Gabriel came along, we needed more space. But we still wanted to live in the same area - it's convenient to everything and in the part of the city we like. So, we bought a house in the back of the subdivision.
Our previous house was also on a cul de sac - 8 houses. And everyone knew everyone else. Three of the houses had children under 10, one had senior citizens, two had young career couples, and the last two had children in high school and college. We were a close-knit block; even when houses were bought and sold. It wasn't unusual for one house to start the evening cooking out and for the evening to end with an impromptu potluck with everyone running around the block. If one family was having a crisis, everyone pitched in to help. When Marilyn's house was hit by lightning and burst into flames, Rufus and Mike ran into the house to put it out. Then Marilyn and her husband stayed at one house while their children stayed at another. When Kim and Mike separated, Paige & Alan, Rufus & I, Rod, and Wes made sure the yard was cared for, the house was watched, etc. And when our son, Rufus, died, everyone checked in on us daily and took Cassie and Chris (this was before Gabriel was born) under their collective wings. Our block was one big family, which was one of the main reasons we wanted to stay in the subdivision. We wanted to be close to our neighbors and friends.
Our new house is located in a cul de sac with 8 houses, again. We've been living in this house for almost 2 1/2 years, and we have yet to know any of our neighbors by name. It's not like we haven't tried. When one of the families was sodding their yard, Rufus went over to help. But the guy rebuffed his offer - nicely, but still. When the neighbor to the right was deployed to Iraq, he left his wife and three children in the states. Rufus would go and mow their lawn when it got too high; not that they asked, but he knew it was difficult being a single parent. So, he did it just because, and usually when they were out. And when our soon to be ex-neighbors had their first child, I made them a lasagna dinner with salad, garlic bread, chocolate cake and sweet tea and took that and a baby gift over to them. Cassie and I spent 10 minutes chatting and then left. No acknowledgement was made then or ever.
So, it's not like we're going to miss the neighbors - the ones who had the baby. It's as though they go out of their way to keep us at a distance. The few times we've initiated conversation with either of them, they make it a point to use first names of other neighbors as though to say "we know them, but you don't." They called the police when the neighbors to their left had their music on "too loud." We found out from those neighbors that the police didn't do anything. More than anything, though, it's the almost total lack of acknowledgement and the near total avoidance of us.
For a while, I thought I was just being overly sensitive to the vibes I was getting. But, then when Rufus mentioned it, I knew it was real. See, Rufus is so mellow, just about everything goes over his head. He just doesn't let it bother him. But this, it bothered him. And if it bothers Rufus, it's real. So, when we noticed a real estate agent's SUV in the driveway, not just once, but twice, we started hoping. It was there again last Thursday, and when I went to get a coke at the Kangaroo, there it was big and bold. FOR SALE. No lie, we were dancing in the garage.
A couple days later, Rufus was in the garage when the real estate agent came by again. They just happened to have a few words, and when I got home he was grinning from ear to ear. An offer had been made and accepted and all that was left was the appraisal. Woo hoo! We could hardly believe our ears.
So, what now? Hopefully, neighbors we can bond with. We really miss the at-home comaradarie we had in our old home. We're still very close with our old neighbors; it's just that it's a mile from our current home. It's much more convenient when you're only 30 seconds away from your house. Cross your fingers!
We've been living in the same subdivision for 11 years; the first eight of which were spent at the front of the subdivision. When Gabriel came along, we needed more space. But we still wanted to live in the same area - it's convenient to everything and in the part of the city we like. So, we bought a house in the back of the subdivision.
Our previous house was also on a cul de sac - 8 houses. And everyone knew everyone else. Three of the houses had children under 10, one had senior citizens, two had young career couples, and the last two had children in high school and college. We were a close-knit block; even when houses were bought and sold. It wasn't unusual for one house to start the evening cooking out and for the evening to end with an impromptu potluck with everyone running around the block. If one family was having a crisis, everyone pitched in to help. When Marilyn's house was hit by lightning and burst into flames, Rufus and Mike ran into the house to put it out. Then Marilyn and her husband stayed at one house while their children stayed at another. When Kim and Mike separated, Paige & Alan, Rufus & I, Rod, and Wes made sure the yard was cared for, the house was watched, etc. And when our son, Rufus, died, everyone checked in on us daily and took Cassie and Chris (this was before Gabriel was born) under their collective wings. Our block was one big family, which was one of the main reasons we wanted to stay in the subdivision. We wanted to be close to our neighbors and friends.
Our new house is located in a cul de sac with 8 houses, again. We've been living in this house for almost 2 1/2 years, and we have yet to know any of our neighbors by name. It's not like we haven't tried. When one of the families was sodding their yard, Rufus went over to help. But the guy rebuffed his offer - nicely, but still. When the neighbor to the right was deployed to Iraq, he left his wife and three children in the states. Rufus would go and mow their lawn when it got too high; not that they asked, but he knew it was difficult being a single parent. So, he did it just because, and usually when they were out. And when our soon to be ex-neighbors had their first child, I made them a lasagna dinner with salad, garlic bread, chocolate cake and sweet tea and took that and a baby gift over to them. Cassie and I spent 10 minutes chatting and then left. No acknowledgement was made then or ever.
So, it's not like we're going to miss the neighbors - the ones who had the baby. It's as though they go out of their way to keep us at a distance. The few times we've initiated conversation with either of them, they make it a point to use first names of other neighbors as though to say "we know them, but you don't." They called the police when the neighbors to their left had their music on "too loud." We found out from those neighbors that the police didn't do anything. More than anything, though, it's the almost total lack of acknowledgement and the near total avoidance of us.
For a while, I thought I was just being overly sensitive to the vibes I was getting. But, then when Rufus mentioned it, I knew it was real. See, Rufus is so mellow, just about everything goes over his head. He just doesn't let it bother him. But this, it bothered him. And if it bothers Rufus, it's real. So, when we noticed a real estate agent's SUV in the driveway, not just once, but twice, we started hoping. It was there again last Thursday, and when I went to get a coke at the Kangaroo, there it was big and bold. FOR SALE. No lie, we were dancing in the garage.
A couple days later, Rufus was in the garage when the real estate agent came by again. They just happened to have a few words, and when I got home he was grinning from ear to ear. An offer had been made and accepted and all that was left was the appraisal. Woo hoo! We could hardly believe our ears.
So, what now? Hopefully, neighbors we can bond with. We really miss the at-home comaradarie we had in our old home. We're still very close with our old neighbors; it's just that it's a mile from our current home. It's much more convenient when you're only 30 seconds away from your house. Cross your fingers!
16 January 2007
Have You Ever Wondered?
Have you ever wondered what old flames are up (or down) to? Have you ever tried to find out?
Sometimes I do. I have to admit it. Why? I'm sure that each person has their own reason. Mine is primarily curiousity. Is he still alive? Does he have children? Did he finally find the woman who could tame him?
Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I cruise the internet. And right around the 3:00 AM, what I would call the witching hour when it's darkest, my brain is in shutdown mode but my eyes are in "ooh what's this" mode, I start trolling for a few folks from the past. Not least of which is an old flame I'll call "Nate". Nate and I had an on/off relationship for 7 years. Some of the best sex I ever had until I met my husband. Problem was Nate had several monkeys on his back. The two biggest were booze and drugs. I'm not talking your garden variety pot and pills. I'm talking horse, bathtub crank, the works. The other problem was when Nate was straight, he was a dream to be with. So, I lived for those times, few and far between though they were. And when it was good, it was very good. But when it was bad, it was worse than very bad. Eventually, Nate landed in a medium security prison for 4th degree felony grand theft.
You would think I'd end it there. But no, I let myself be seduced by the possibility that he could be reformed and we could live "happily ever after." So, like a fool, I became his ward so he could parole out after a year. By that time I was living in another state, having graduated college and gotten a job. So here comes Nate and the first thing he says is "you've changed.". Hmm, ya think? New state, new culture, new job, new responsibilities. I dunno, maybe I changed just a bit. But then he wasn't the same either.
We gave it the good old college try, but 3 months, $5,000, a crack cocaine possession bust, a motorcycle accident, and an impounded car later, I was stumped. For all I thought, we could pick up where we left off and he could start a new life. What happened instead was he went down the toilet and tried to take me with him. He was arrested one afternoon, when I had come home for lunch, for a hit and run in which a girl was left paralyzed. Yes, paralyzed. Where was I when this happened? At work. The first I heard of it was when the police arrived.
Believe it or not, I actually kept on trying to make the relationship work. I visited him in jail, which was actually more secure than the medium security prison I'd visited him in before. But when he tried getting me to smuggle contraband - ballpoint pens - into the jail, I realized he was nothing but a leech; sucking the life and happiness out of my life. I ended it that day, while visiting him in jail. I told him I couldn't do this anymore and I wouldn't be coming back.
He'd left me in debt, having run up my credit cards and used my ATM. I had to pay back thousands of dollars. That bothered me but not near as much as the broken trust. See, I'd trusted him for 7 years; through all his lies, deceipts, mistakes, etc. And when it finally came down to it, he couldn't tell me the sky was blue if his life depended on it. So, I moved and left no forwarding address. But he somehow found me, and while in a maximum security prison (for what, I still don't know to this day), kept writing me. I still have a couple of the letters. I keep them to remind me of the sickness that could have been mine.
Three moves later, I felt relatively safe. What I hadn't mentioned before is that on several occasions he'd explained to me how he would kill me if I left him. So, I was somewhat nervous about his release from this second prison. Blimey if a few months after his release he called me at work! Talk about shocked! I got as much information as I could from him and once we hung up, I called the police and reported him. It was my hope that he was still listed in NCIC with outstanding warrants. I don't know if anything resulted from my call, but I do know he's not contacted me since. And that was 15 years ago.
So, back to my original questions: Have you ever wondered what old flames are up (or down) to? Have you ever tried to find out? Yes, sometimes I do. I imagine seeing him and wonder what he looks like now, if he's alive. And I wonder, how would I react. But I don't wonder what I would say and do. I'd say "I forgive you for the wrongs you did to me. And I apologize for the wrongs I did you and for not making you accountable." I'd then kiss him on the cheek, look into his hazel eyes, brush the wavy locks from his cheek, and say good-bye.
Sometimes I do. I have to admit it. Why? I'm sure that each person has their own reason. Mine is primarily curiousity. Is he still alive? Does he have children? Did he finally find the woman who could tame him?
Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I cruise the internet. And right around the 3:00 AM, what I would call the witching hour when it's darkest, my brain is in shutdown mode but my eyes are in "ooh what's this" mode, I start trolling for a few folks from the past. Not least of which is an old flame I'll call "Nate". Nate and I had an on/off relationship for 7 years. Some of the best sex I ever had until I met my husband. Problem was Nate had several monkeys on his back. The two biggest were booze and drugs. I'm not talking your garden variety pot and pills. I'm talking horse, bathtub crank, the works. The other problem was when Nate was straight, he was a dream to be with. So, I lived for those times, few and far between though they were. And when it was good, it was very good. But when it was bad, it was worse than very bad. Eventually, Nate landed in a medium security prison for 4th degree felony grand theft.
You would think I'd end it there. But no, I let myself be seduced by the possibility that he could be reformed and we could live "happily ever after." So, like a fool, I became his ward so he could parole out after a year. By that time I was living in another state, having graduated college and gotten a job. So here comes Nate and the first thing he says is "you've changed.". Hmm, ya think? New state, new culture, new job, new responsibilities. I dunno, maybe I changed just a bit. But then he wasn't the same either.
We gave it the good old college try, but 3 months, $5,000, a crack cocaine possession bust, a motorcycle accident, and an impounded car later, I was stumped. For all I thought, we could pick up where we left off and he could start a new life. What happened instead was he went down the toilet and tried to take me with him. He was arrested one afternoon, when I had come home for lunch, for a hit and run in which a girl was left paralyzed. Yes, paralyzed. Where was I when this happened? At work. The first I heard of it was when the police arrived.
Believe it or not, I actually kept on trying to make the relationship work. I visited him in jail, which was actually more secure than the medium security prison I'd visited him in before. But when he tried getting me to smuggle contraband - ballpoint pens - into the jail, I realized he was nothing but a leech; sucking the life and happiness out of my life. I ended it that day, while visiting him in jail. I told him I couldn't do this anymore and I wouldn't be coming back.
He'd left me in debt, having run up my credit cards and used my ATM. I had to pay back thousands of dollars. That bothered me but not near as much as the broken trust. See, I'd trusted him for 7 years; through all his lies, deceipts, mistakes, etc. And when it finally came down to it, he couldn't tell me the sky was blue if his life depended on it. So, I moved and left no forwarding address. But he somehow found me, and while in a maximum security prison (for what, I still don't know to this day), kept writing me. I still have a couple of the letters. I keep them to remind me of the sickness that could have been mine.
Three moves later, I felt relatively safe. What I hadn't mentioned before is that on several occasions he'd explained to me how he would kill me if I left him. So, I was somewhat nervous about his release from this second prison. Blimey if a few months after his release he called me at work! Talk about shocked! I got as much information as I could from him and once we hung up, I called the police and reported him. It was my hope that he was still listed in NCIC with outstanding warrants. I don't know if anything resulted from my call, but I do know he's not contacted me since. And that was 15 years ago.
So, back to my original questions: Have you ever wondered what old flames are up (or down) to? Have you ever tried to find out? Yes, sometimes I do. I imagine seeing him and wonder what he looks like now, if he's alive. And I wonder, how would I react. But I don't wonder what I would say and do. I'd say "I forgive you for the wrongs you did to me. And I apologize for the wrongs I did you and for not making you accountable." I'd then kiss him on the cheek, look into his hazel eyes, brush the wavy locks from his cheek, and say good-bye.
14 January 2007
A Quiet Saturday
Wow! Chris and I saw the new movie "Stomp the Yard" tonight. It was GOOD!! One of the few positive African American role movies made. One of the few positive role model movies, period. Those stepping teams were BUFF! It takes a log of discipline, exercise, strength to step and/or dance off.
Today was a good day. I actually got up at what I would consider a decent time; 8:00. Not too early, not too late. Gabe and I played for a while, and then took Cassie to her hair appointment. Rufus and I then spent the better part of the day doing odd jobs around the house while Chris and Gabriel played in the water, in the house, wherever, Cassie went to see "Freedom Writers" with some friends in the afternoon and Rufus took his mother to mass. Chris, Gabriel and I stayed home just enjoying the day.
It is now 1:45 AM Sunday morning, and amazingly, I can't sleep. And Cassie can't either. So, we're watching "X-Men, The Last Stand" on pay-per-view. I've not seen it before. I'll probably do laundry while watching it. And then in the morning, when we need to be going to 9:00 AM mass, I'll be sound asleep or wishing I were asleep.
This is a short post - my only recommendation is to go see "Stomp the Yard."
Today was a good day. I actually got up at what I would consider a decent time; 8:00. Not too early, not too late. Gabe and I played for a while, and then took Cassie to her hair appointment. Rufus and I then spent the better part of the day doing odd jobs around the house while Chris and Gabriel played in the water, in the house, wherever, Cassie went to see "Freedom Writers" with some friends in the afternoon and Rufus took his mother to mass. Chris, Gabriel and I stayed home just enjoying the day.
It is now 1:45 AM Sunday morning, and amazingly, I can't sleep. And Cassie can't either. So, we're watching "X-Men, The Last Stand" on pay-per-view. I've not seen it before. I'll probably do laundry while watching it. And then in the morning, when we need to be going to 9:00 AM mass, I'll be sound asleep or wishing I were asleep.
This is a short post - my only recommendation is to go see "Stomp the Yard."
11 January 2007
Gabriel's Gifts
Can you believe that almost two weeks have already passed in the new year! The children started back to school on Monday, and they already have days off! Friday for Teacher Planning Day, and Monday for Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I wish I had that kind of schedule!
Gabriel seems to have started back to preschool fairly well. It's funny. When Chris was 3 years old, it didn't seem to matter whether he had naps or not. Gabe definately needs them! Half of the time he falls asleep either coming home or right after getting home (between 5:30 and 6:30) and stays asleep till the morning. Poor child! His schedule is up by 7:00, to daycare no later than 7:30, get the bus to school which starts at 8:30, on the bus at 1:30, back to the daycare by 2:30, and home around 6:00. The preschool only has 15 minutes of quiet time, no nap. And when Gabe gets back to the daycare, the other children have already had their naps. And Gabriel doesn't want to sleep when they're playing. So this is a bit of an adjustment for him - and us.
Gabriel seems to be babbling more, and yesterday he babbled to me as though we were having a conversation. Tonight, when I was putting him to bed, he actually hummed a bit. That was the first time I'd heard him hum.
At school, he is learning how to use PECS to communicate. At a high level, it's a notebook that contains sheets with pictures velcroed to them. The pictures are of things, foods, actions, etc. that Gabriel may want to eat, use, or do. The basic premise of PECS is that when Gabriel wants something, he gets the picture and gives it to the person he's 'talking' to. That person states what the picture is and uses it in a sentence, and then Gabe gets the item. This method not only provides a means of communication, but it also promotes verbal communication - at least that's what I've read, what my ESE teacher friend has researched, and what the documentation says. Hey. I'll try anything! My only concern is that it relies on the use of an item or items (notebook, pictures, etc.). I think about the consistency or lack thereof outside of school.
At home, Gabriel is learning sign language. Have I mentioned that in a previous entry? I don't know. Anyway, he knows cracker, drink, movie, please, and thank you very well. He can use these signs without prompting. He knows book and all done, but ya have to prompt him to use them. We are in the process of learning come, want, make, pancake, and help. Everyone in the family uses the signs when talking to Gabriel, and we always reinforce by repeating the word.
It does take some time for Gabriel to learn the signs. His fine motor skills are a bit weak, but with time, the process of signing will help his fine motor skills. You have to repeat the sign hand-on-hand several times over several days. And praise him every time he tries or makes the sign, whether he did it with prompting, help, or whatever.
Gabriel speaks one word very clearly. Can we guess what word that is? "NO" And he emphasizes it by shaking his head from side to side. So, we always know when there's something he doesn't like or want.
Gabriel is my miracle. I thank God for him every day. It was a sacrifice bringing him into this world; my selfish sacrifice. But I know Gabriel teaches me something new every day. His disabilities are his gifts to us all.
Gabriel seems to have started back to preschool fairly well. It's funny. When Chris was 3 years old, it didn't seem to matter whether he had naps or not. Gabe definately needs them! Half of the time he falls asleep either coming home or right after getting home (between 5:30 and 6:30) and stays asleep till the morning. Poor child! His schedule is up by 7:00, to daycare no later than 7:30, get the bus to school which starts at 8:30, on the bus at 1:30, back to the daycare by 2:30, and home around 6:00. The preschool only has 15 minutes of quiet time, no nap. And when Gabe gets back to the daycare, the other children have already had their naps. And Gabriel doesn't want to sleep when they're playing. So this is a bit of an adjustment for him - and us.
Gabriel seems to be babbling more, and yesterday he babbled to me as though we were having a conversation. Tonight, when I was putting him to bed, he actually hummed a bit. That was the first time I'd heard him hum.
At school, he is learning how to use PECS to communicate. At a high level, it's a notebook that contains sheets with pictures velcroed to them. The pictures are of things, foods, actions, etc. that Gabriel may want to eat, use, or do. The basic premise of PECS is that when Gabriel wants something, he gets the picture and gives it to the person he's 'talking' to. That person states what the picture is and uses it in a sentence, and then Gabe gets the item. This method not only provides a means of communication, but it also promotes verbal communication - at least that's what I've read, what my ESE teacher friend has researched, and what the documentation says. Hey. I'll try anything! My only concern is that it relies on the use of an item or items (notebook, pictures, etc.). I think about the consistency or lack thereof outside of school.
At home, Gabriel is learning sign language. Have I mentioned that in a previous entry? I don't know. Anyway, he knows cracker, drink, movie, please, and thank you very well. He can use these signs without prompting. He knows book and all done, but ya have to prompt him to use them. We are in the process of learning come, want, make, pancake, and help. Everyone in the family uses the signs when talking to Gabriel, and we always reinforce by repeating the word.
It does take some time for Gabriel to learn the signs. His fine motor skills are a bit weak, but with time, the process of signing will help his fine motor skills. You have to repeat the sign hand-on-hand several times over several days. And praise him every time he tries or makes the sign, whether he did it with prompting, help, or whatever.
Gabriel speaks one word very clearly. Can we guess what word that is? "NO" And he emphasizes it by shaking his head from side to side. So, we always know when there's something he doesn't like or want.
Gabriel is my miracle. I thank God for him every day. It was a sacrifice bringing him into this world; my selfish sacrifice. But I know Gabriel teaches me something new every day. His disabilities are his gifts to us all.
06 January 2007
Old Friends. New Beginnings?
A brief background. My parents married young. I came 9 months after they married. So for the first 15 years of my life we lived in various cities and states while my parents took turns getting their degrees. This meant that, for the most part, I went to a different school every year. Then, in junior high, I had the option to continue in the same school. It wasn't the most fun time of my life, but the benefits to staying at one school over a number of years far outweighed the effort to re-establish myself in yet another school. My parents earned their degrees and established themselves professionally by the time I entered high school. So, again, I got to go to the same school for a number of years. One of the most valuable benefits of this was making and then keeping friends for more than 9 months.
I would like to think I treated my friends as well as they treated me. Unfortunately, I realize that was not the case. There's no real excuse, but in my defense, all that school and city-hopping, while providing me valuable life experiences, left my social skills woefully underdeveloped. Twenty-five years later, I have a much deeper appreciation of the value of friendship, and the friends I have now are very much valued and respected.
I had several friends back in high school, two of whom were my closest friends - Amy and Debbie. Amy was a middle child of 6, and Debbie was the baby of 5 - the next in age roughly 12 years older than her. And there I was, the elder of 2. Amy's upbringing was more faith-based than Debbie's and mine, thus Amy's boundaries were much closer than ours. As a result, Debbie and I were closer friends. Of the two of them, I considered, and still consider, Debbie as my best friend through high school and college.
As I wrote above, I didn't treat my friends as well as I should have back then. Life being what it is, I abused my friendships, and unfortunately, Debbie bore the brunt of it. As a result, we had a falling out in 1987. There wasn't a screaming match, nothing like that. Rather, Debbie chose to halt any contact with me.
It took me several years to find out why. I tried making up for it, but it was too little too late. And at that point, I'm sure Debbie just wanted me out of her life for the remainder. It's been 20 years, and you know what? I still wish for at least a passing friendship with Debbie. I realized too late that she was a total friend; she did any and everything I asked of her, and I was too selfish and self-centered to appreciate her.
Over the years, I've attempted contact - roughly 3 times. Doesn't sound like much, but when someone doesn't want to be found... In 2005, for the first time in the 20 years, Debbie posted her email address - and snail mail and phone number in our alma-mater's Alumni Directory. As part of the beginning of 2007, I sent her an email. Yes, it took a year, but that was a year of "should I" and "shouldn't I". So, I sent the email on the 2nd. Will I get a response? I don't know. We'll see. I hope so. It's a new year. Could it be a new beginning?
I would like to think I treated my friends as well as they treated me. Unfortunately, I realize that was not the case. There's no real excuse, but in my defense, all that school and city-hopping, while providing me valuable life experiences, left my social skills woefully underdeveloped. Twenty-five years later, I have a much deeper appreciation of the value of friendship, and the friends I have now are very much valued and respected.
I had several friends back in high school, two of whom were my closest friends - Amy and Debbie. Amy was a middle child of 6, and Debbie was the baby of 5 - the next in age roughly 12 years older than her. And there I was, the elder of 2. Amy's upbringing was more faith-based than Debbie's and mine, thus Amy's boundaries were much closer than ours. As a result, Debbie and I were closer friends. Of the two of them, I considered, and still consider, Debbie as my best friend through high school and college.
As I wrote above, I didn't treat my friends as well as I should have back then. Life being what it is, I abused my friendships, and unfortunately, Debbie bore the brunt of it. As a result, we had a falling out in 1987. There wasn't a screaming match, nothing like that. Rather, Debbie chose to halt any contact with me.
It took me several years to find out why. I tried making up for it, but it was too little too late. And at that point, I'm sure Debbie just wanted me out of her life for the remainder. It's been 20 years, and you know what? I still wish for at least a passing friendship with Debbie. I realized too late that she was a total friend; she did any and everything I asked of her, and I was too selfish and self-centered to appreciate her.
Over the years, I've attempted contact - roughly 3 times. Doesn't sound like much, but when someone doesn't want to be found... In 2005, for the first time in the 20 years, Debbie posted her email address - and snail mail and phone number in our alma-mater's Alumni Directory. As part of the beginning of 2007, I sent her an email. Yes, it took a year, but that was a year of "should I" and "shouldn't I". So, I sent the email on the 2nd. Will I get a response? I don't know. We'll see. I hope so. It's a new year. Could it be a new beginning?
01 January 2007
Happy 2007!!
Happy New Year! This year will be better than the one before! While last year could have been better, it was most definately not a "bad" year. Just a bit stressful.
In 2006 we experienced the following:
In 2006 we experienced the following:
- The start of high school with our eldest.
- Which led to the struggle for independence, insolence, and the like
- Mom's first Alternative Rock concert - FOB (Fall Out Boy, for the ininitiated)
- A diagnosis on our youngest's travails - Autism
- Intro to ESE Preschool
- Gaming extraordanaire for our middle child.
- Finally, a break from Yu-Go-Oh!
- Skyrocketing gasoline prices, which have cut dramatically into our budget - still working on getting that one resolved.
- The beginning and demise of Tupperware consulting. More money and time than it is worth.
- The adoption of our 3 year old German Shephard - to a home where someone is home all the time. Thus, he gets the time and attention he deserves.
- A new transmission for the Honda
- A piano! (Given to us by dear friends who no longer use it.)
- Moving my office from one building to another at work.
- Tighter purse-strings.
As for 2007, my hopes are the following
- Our youngest get a verbal vocabulary of at least 5 words with ASL vocabulary of at least 25 words.
- Our eldest improve her grades to warrent buying a $120 pair of soccer cleats and that ever-touted driver's permit.
- Our middle continue his goal to become a vet, which means continuing A-B Honor Roll through the school year.
- Husband becomes more money-savvy.
- We get our finances on track and complete some home-improvement opportunities (namely the hall bath, a sun room, painting the kitchen and installing a chopping block, painting the master bath, and maybe, just maybe, wood floors).
- I lose 25 lbs, gaining more physical acuity.
As for my personal 2007 Resolutions:
- Maintain a workout schedule of 4 days a week
- Lose 25 lbs this year
- Bead enough items to participate in a craft fair in October
- Better relationship with my husband
- At least one trip to Dallas and one trip to Las Cruces
- Better relationship with God - prayer, read bible, find a church home for the whole family, etc.
- Financial stability
I hope everyone who reads this has good intentions for the new year and that each and every one of us accomplish at least two of our intentions.
Happy New Year 2007!!
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