It's strange being on the other side of the friendship fence. In earlier blogs I wrote about my mistreatment of a high school friend and being mistreated by a former boyfriend. I broke up with the boyfriend to save myself and my sanity. And my friend gave me the heave ho to save herself and her sanity. While I'm glad I broke up with the boyfriend, I am sad that my friend wants nothing to do with me. Even after 20 years.
A lot changes in 20 years. Back then I was an immature, self-centered, self-serving, tease. I was easily influenced and quickly seduced by the lure of the 'bad boy' and all the trappings that came with it - alcohol, drugs, sex. And I flaunted it all over the place regardless of the consequences. Fly forward 20 years and I'm a career woman (with the same company for 18 years), a wife, a mother of 4; still someone who likes to have fun but more prudent and more considerate of others.
Eighteen years after breaking up with the boyfriend, I occasionally think of him. Sometimes it's with tenderness; other times it's with lots of anger. It's those times (the angry times) that I want to make him suffer emotionally. And I want to be there to witness his suffering as a form of payback. Does the friend who gave up on me do the same? Does she remember to good and want payback for the bad?
I know I could never associate with my former boyfriend in any way. I wonder if it's the same with my friend? If I only had the opportunity to talk to her face to face. I've tried apologizing - I am truly sorry - several times, but no response. I really should give up. I would just like the opportunity to tell her that I valued, and still value, her friendship during those tumultuous years. That I've been a much better friend to those who came after her. And that I strive to be the type of friend she was to me. I'll likely not have that opportunity, but I'll keep hoping.
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
08 February 2007
06 January 2007
Old Friends. New Beginnings?
A brief background. My parents married young. I came 9 months after they married. So for the first 15 years of my life we lived in various cities and states while my parents took turns getting their degrees. This meant that, for the most part, I went to a different school every year. Then, in junior high, I had the option to continue in the same school. It wasn't the most fun time of my life, but the benefits to staying at one school over a number of years far outweighed the effort to re-establish myself in yet another school. My parents earned their degrees and established themselves professionally by the time I entered high school. So, again, I got to go to the same school for a number of years. One of the most valuable benefits of this was making and then keeping friends for more than 9 months.
I would like to think I treated my friends as well as they treated me. Unfortunately, I realize that was not the case. There's no real excuse, but in my defense, all that school and city-hopping, while providing me valuable life experiences, left my social skills woefully underdeveloped. Twenty-five years later, I have a much deeper appreciation of the value of friendship, and the friends I have now are very much valued and respected.
I had several friends back in high school, two of whom were my closest friends - Amy and Debbie. Amy was a middle child of 6, and Debbie was the baby of 5 - the next in age roughly 12 years older than her. And there I was, the elder of 2. Amy's upbringing was more faith-based than Debbie's and mine, thus Amy's boundaries were much closer than ours. As a result, Debbie and I were closer friends. Of the two of them, I considered, and still consider, Debbie as my best friend through high school and college.
As I wrote above, I didn't treat my friends as well as I should have back then. Life being what it is, I abused my friendships, and unfortunately, Debbie bore the brunt of it. As a result, we had a falling out in 1987. There wasn't a screaming match, nothing like that. Rather, Debbie chose to halt any contact with me.
It took me several years to find out why. I tried making up for it, but it was too little too late. And at that point, I'm sure Debbie just wanted me out of her life for the remainder. It's been 20 years, and you know what? I still wish for at least a passing friendship with Debbie. I realized too late that she was a total friend; she did any and everything I asked of her, and I was too selfish and self-centered to appreciate her.
Over the years, I've attempted contact - roughly 3 times. Doesn't sound like much, but when someone doesn't want to be found... In 2005, for the first time in the 20 years, Debbie posted her email address - and snail mail and phone number in our alma-mater's Alumni Directory. As part of the beginning of 2007, I sent her an email. Yes, it took a year, but that was a year of "should I" and "shouldn't I". So, I sent the email on the 2nd. Will I get a response? I don't know. We'll see. I hope so. It's a new year. Could it be a new beginning?
I would like to think I treated my friends as well as they treated me. Unfortunately, I realize that was not the case. There's no real excuse, but in my defense, all that school and city-hopping, while providing me valuable life experiences, left my social skills woefully underdeveloped. Twenty-five years later, I have a much deeper appreciation of the value of friendship, and the friends I have now are very much valued and respected.
I had several friends back in high school, two of whom were my closest friends - Amy and Debbie. Amy was a middle child of 6, and Debbie was the baby of 5 - the next in age roughly 12 years older than her. And there I was, the elder of 2. Amy's upbringing was more faith-based than Debbie's and mine, thus Amy's boundaries were much closer than ours. As a result, Debbie and I were closer friends. Of the two of them, I considered, and still consider, Debbie as my best friend through high school and college.
As I wrote above, I didn't treat my friends as well as I should have back then. Life being what it is, I abused my friendships, and unfortunately, Debbie bore the brunt of it. As a result, we had a falling out in 1987. There wasn't a screaming match, nothing like that. Rather, Debbie chose to halt any contact with me.
It took me several years to find out why. I tried making up for it, but it was too little too late. And at that point, I'm sure Debbie just wanted me out of her life for the remainder. It's been 20 years, and you know what? I still wish for at least a passing friendship with Debbie. I realized too late that she was a total friend; she did any and everything I asked of her, and I was too selfish and self-centered to appreciate her.
Over the years, I've attempted contact - roughly 3 times. Doesn't sound like much, but when someone doesn't want to be found... In 2005, for the first time in the 20 years, Debbie posted her email address - and snail mail and phone number in our alma-mater's Alumni Directory. As part of the beginning of 2007, I sent her an email. Yes, it took a year, but that was a year of "should I" and "shouldn't I". So, I sent the email on the 2nd. Will I get a response? I don't know. We'll see. I hope so. It's a new year. Could it be a new beginning?
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