It's strange being on the other side of the friendship fence. In earlier blogs I wrote about my mistreatment of a high school friend and being mistreated by a former boyfriend. I broke up with the boyfriend to save myself and my sanity. And my friend gave me the heave ho to save herself and her sanity. While I'm glad I broke up with the boyfriend, I am sad that my friend wants nothing to do with me. Even after 20 years.
A lot changes in 20 years. Back then I was an immature, self-centered, self-serving, tease. I was easily influenced and quickly seduced by the lure of the 'bad boy' and all the trappings that came with it - alcohol, drugs, sex. And I flaunted it all over the place regardless of the consequences. Fly forward 20 years and I'm a career woman (with the same company for 18 years), a wife, a mother of 4; still someone who likes to have fun but more prudent and more considerate of others.
Eighteen years after breaking up with the boyfriend, I occasionally think of him. Sometimes it's with tenderness; other times it's with lots of anger. It's those times (the angry times) that I want to make him suffer emotionally. And I want to be there to witness his suffering as a form of payback. Does the friend who gave up on me do the same? Does she remember to good and want payback for the bad?
I know I could never associate with my former boyfriend in any way. I wonder if it's the same with my friend? If I only had the opportunity to talk to her face to face. I've tried apologizing - I am truly sorry - several times, but no response. I really should give up. I would just like the opportunity to tell her that I valued, and still value, her friendship during those tumultuous years. That I've been a much better friend to those who came after her. And that I strive to be the type of friend she was to me. I'll likely not have that opportunity, but I'll keep hoping.
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