If You Save A Life...

There is a Chinese proverb, "If you save a life, you responsible for that life." Most of use have heard the other saying, "If you save a life, the person whose life you saved is indebted to you for life." I used to believe the latter. I have since learned the Chinese were, and are, spot on.

This is a topic near to my heart. Just as when I posted about the death of my child, it is difficult to dwell on and share, but here goes.

Several years ago I was in management. It was a good job, but it wasn't the right job for me. So, I left management and went back to what I enjoyed and knew best - computer programming.  I was moved to a project team about whose product I was not familiar. I became friends with a couple of the women on the team, and we would socialize outside of work occasionally. One friend in particular had been going through a relatively stressful time, and her health was at odds on occasion.

There was one week she called in sick. The weekend came and went, and when she had not returned on Monday, I asked if anyone had heard from her. I grew concerned when no one had. I had her number so I called. It took a few tries before she answered the phone. Her voice was so weak I could hardly hear her.  She was extremely weak and didn't think she would be able to get to the doctor. She sounded so ill I offered to take her myself.

Good thing, too. When we got to the doctor, they took one look at her and called the EMTs to take her to the ER. I am still embarrassed and that I didn't just take her there myself. See, she was paper white when I picked her up. No exaggeration. She was so weak, I had to help her from the door of her house to the car.  And I am ashamed to say I just dropped her off at the door so I could park.

Since the EMTs took her to the ER. The staff got her into the back STAT.  Her blood pressure was almost non-existent, her pulse was very low, and when the nurse tried to find a vein for an IV, there was none to be found.

The human body holds between 8 and 10 pints of blood. Red blood cells continually regenerate. The doctors estimate that when my friend came into the ER her body contained roughly 3 pints of blood. Internally, she was bleeding to death. That she was conscious was a miracle in itself.

This happened on a Monday morning, typically the busiest day of the week in an ER, and we spent several hours in the ER for treatment and waiting for a room. My friend's nearest relative (her parents are deceased) was several thousand miles away in Alaska. My friend was sick, in pain, scared, tired and I don't know what else. And there was no way I was going to leave her. The only time I left was when she had to go for the MRI. She was given 6 pints of blood while waiting for a room, and the effects were immediate. She started feeling stronger and color came back into her face. It was like night and day.

If I recall correctly, she got a room in the Critical Care unit around 9:PM that night. By then they were starting to discover what was causing the massive bleeding. And within a few days it was confirmed. Stage 4 Uterine cancer. She had to go in for surgery as quickly as possible. All of this was overwhelming, so I offered to call her sister and friends to let them know what was going on. That phone call to her sister. I now know what a policeman goes through when delivering bad news. Though it was over the phone, the shock, fear and great panic were evident. She got the quickest flight out, and I met her at the airport.

Legal issues today being what they are, I had to ask my friend for permission before sharing her condition to folks at work. My friend was going to be in the hospital for a while and would be receiving medical treatment over several months. And she would need help - driving, caring for her animals, cleaning, etc. Anyone who's worked for the same company for a while knows that your coworkers a like a second family. Not as close as your actual family, but in times of need, everyone rallies together. And it was so in this case. My friend did not realize we valued her as much as we did until this crisis. People from all over the company contributed time and money to assist not only during her hospital stay but also throughout her chemotherapy and radiation treatments.

I am happy to share that my friend is now in her fifth cancer-free year. And she is a new woman. She exudes confidence, is one of the primary go-to folks at work, she is vivacious, travels extensively, and most of all she is happy. Before her experience she was struggling to find her place. She has carved her niche and is living her life just as I think she had always dreamed.

But back to the Chinese proverb - "If you save a life, you are responsible for that life." A niggling in my mind got me to asking about my friend that fateful day. And  I couldn't let it go. For that reason, my friend is still gracing us with her vitality and life. I, too, was with her when she was at her most vulnerable. We talked about things one only mentions when life is ebbing away. And I and another friend of mine worked with her sister to take care of her living situation that first week.

When all of this happened people talking to me would say something to the effect that "you saved her life" or "if you hadn't gone over..." Technically, they are correct. But I believe there was a bigger hand in it. Just as when my son died (http://myredefinedlife.blogspot.com/2011/11/angel-baby.html), God and His Grace took over. I was compelled to ask about my friend, which resulted in her hospitalization. What I find curious, though, is that my friend and I have not talked once about that day. I think, in a way, neither of us wants to. So much happened, and so much was shared during this dark time.

Even more interesting is that I find I want very much for her happiness. We are on different teams now, on different floors, so I rarely see her. But when I do, I ask after her, wanting to know what is going on in her life. You see, I want to be sure she is doing well. I feel an obligation that, since I was there at such a critical time, I need to ensure she leads a happy, productive life. And when I see her in the elevator or I go to visit with her, I am profoundly happy that she has found happiness and satisfaction. If it weren't the case, I would be failing in my obligation, my duty.

And because of this experience, I now understand and believe the Chinese proverb "If you save a life, you are responsible for that life."

Holiday Blues

I moved to Florida in 1988. Back then, I lived roughly 1,700 miles away from my family. It was the first time I was on my own. It was hard. I spent the first six months living with my uncle's new wife and son and then with her sister. I then moved into my own apartment. Some poor choices on my part led to a strained relationship with my uncle and his new family, and for the most part I was on my own.

It was difficult. And my boyfriend at the time made it moreso. Let's just say I don't have the greatest taste in boyfriends. This one put me through some seriously bad times most people don't get to experience. I broke up with him about 9 months after I moved to Florida (he'd followed me to Florida). I would have done so earlier, but it was so scary. Having come from an agricultural/military/university town in a relatively remote part of the United States to an urban metropolis on the mainline of one of the busiest interstates in the U.S. was one thing. Coming from the Southwest where the culture was generally all inclusive and generous to the Southeast where the culture had visible boundaries and was seemingly 'watch out for #1', was entirely another. Being on my own, 1,700 away from all I've ever known, without anyone I could really rely on (my uncle was on ship duty at the time and my aunt's family had their own concerns to take care of), terrified me.

But I made it. Almost too well. Because 8 months later I met another man, one who was kind and fun to be around, and good looking, very good looking. And the next thing I know we're having children and getting married. Almost too quickly. Now this man has family! He is the baby of 6 children with seemingly hundreds of aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews within a 100 mile radius. So, going from a family of 4 to a family of hundreds was...overwhelming.

My sister and her family moved around, Texas, Colorado, Texas again. And not long after, our parents followed her to Texas. They live within biking distance (if they were so inclined) to each other. But it's still 900 miles away from me. Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband's family. There are some I am very close to and others not so much. But holidays are done very differently from what I am used to. I've tried acclimating, but I don't know.

I wonder. Is it my innate stubbornness? Or do I simply want to be with my family? See, every holiday, they all get together; my sister, her family, our parents, my sister's in laws (parents and siblings and children). Or is it I feel that the majority of the effort of making the holiday spirit for my little family is primarily up to me? I've got a laid-back husband. Very laid-back. So laid-back he is in danger of being comatose sometimes. His idea of Christmas shopping is 12/24. No kidding. So, I do most of the shopping, shipping, making sure we get the tree, get the kids to decorate, etc. And by the time Christmas comes, I am so NOT in the holiday spirit. Why? Because we are all so solitary. I've tried doing activities as a family, but it usually ends up me and the kids. Which is fun.

I guess it's that I try too hard. I try to make it good for my family, but for all my trying something is still missing. My family.

I miss my parents, sister and her family, and it is never more evident than during the holidays.

DH, Communication and Work Woes

Alcohol and work woes do not mix. DH came home the other day. It was a bad day at work, so he stopped off at a nearby club, had a few beers, and what happened? He came home in a fine nettle. This happens at times. Usually, he vents his frustrations, plays a few rounds of pool and crashes in the recliner. But not that night! Noooo. He had to go from work woes to what it is about each of the family members that bugs him. You know, the little things that we all deal with on a daily basis; leaving the toilet seat up (for us girls), getting impatient when the spouse calls for the 10 time at work, not taking the trash out.  So, for two hours he vented. And when DH vents everyone has to listen, no one can speak, we all have to sit and be attentive, and acknowledge with hung head that yes, we do not do this and we do do that, yadda yadda yadda.

And there's no talking to him. He's very good at talking over everyone else, and he can be a very imposing person when provoked. Then, once he's calmed down, DH expects immediate contrition on our part, forgiveness on his and all is right with the world. The problem is, it's the same speech every time. He complains about what is bothering him at work, or softball, and then he complains about his plight with the family. His wife and children don't listen to him. We don't do what he says. He knows what's best and we ignore him. Well, I got news for him. We do listen. We do what he says, for the most part. As for the last part. Well, he's married to a semi-OCD, logically minded, procedural person who thinks most things through before deciding on the best action. And if it's contrary to what he says, and he won't listen, it's 50-50 as to whether we do what he thinks is best. That, and he is so laid back we never know if or when  he thinks otherwise. In other words, if he doesn't agree, he rarely says so. So, how are we to know what he thinks is best when he rarely indicates such?

The night ended quietly. Once he got all his yelling and spittle-riddled speech out of the way, he calmed right down. Me? I went on doing what I was doing before he got home but in a pissed off frame of mind.  Thank goodness he slept in the rec room! The next morning he tried to schmooze before going to work and it was 'talk to the hand!' Things were quieter yesterday. When I'm upset I avoid conversation but I am civil for the children's sakes. By the time I was ready to address what I felt was inexcusable behavior (turning work woes into direct attacks on family members), he was much more contrite and very apologetic. And yet again, it was the same speech I gave to him: We are none of us perfect. We do listen and work to address his issues, but he won't let them go. When he has work issues, please keep the venting to work and don't attack his family. We want to support him and the vitriol doesn't help. And so on.

So, it's about three days later and all is copacetic. I just wish he would take his own advice to stop this cycle of holding it in then venting to the world. Granted, I'm one to speak! I am quite the opposite. When something bothers me, I address it as soon as reasonable. Used to be that I was not at all constructive in addressing it. Rather very scarily off my rocker. Now, after several classes (taken when I was pursuing a teacher's certification, then when I was taking Nursing classes, and also the requisite HR classes all corporations like to mandate), I like to think I take a more understated approach. I used it on him the other day, and it worked a charm; primarily because I waited till I calmed down.

And what am I doing now? Venting. Online. I wish DH and I communicated better. I wish DH were more assertive. I wish a lot of things. But that we worked it out, again, for now, is good. At least until next time.

My Family

I've been writing this blog for about 5 weeks, so now it's time to share my family. I'm married. Duh. My husband is Rufus. We have four children. Cassie is the eldest and the only girl. Chris is in middle school. Rufus III died at birth. Had he lived he would be 4. And Gabriel, the youngest is 3.

Rufus is a native Floridian. He's lived his entire life within 50 miles of his birth home. He's the ultimate athlete. He plays softball year-round; men's and coed. His biggest regret is that he didn't stick to baseball when he was young. He certainly had the talent. When he's not playing softball, Rufus can be found tooling around in the garage or in the yard. No lie, I have yet to go into the garage and find something the first time. He loves rearranging everything. I truly do believe he is ADD, which is why he does so well at his job. It's always changing.

Cassie is in her midteens. She lives for soccer and FOB (Fall Out Boy - an alternative rock band). Chris is 16 months younger. He's all about Anime - games, cards, cartoons, books, you name it! Sports? No way! (Much to Rufus's dismay.) Gabriel is 3. He is Autistic, but he's an expressive Autistic. He's into Pixar and Disney and Thomas the Tank Engine.

I am a native New Mexican. I moved to Florida in the late 1980's during the oil embargo and the plummeting Star Wars program. Florida was one of the few states in the lower half of the lower 48 that was still hiring. I moved with $300, no job, no transportation, 1 suitcase, and 2 boxes. I found a job the first week I was here, and I've been here (and at the same employer) since.

Rufus and I met one night when I was clubbing with some friends and he was hanging with his roommate. My friends and I walked into a nightclub, and within 5 minutes Rufus came over to ask me for a dance. I'd recently broken up with a boyfriend, so I was hesitant to play. I told him that if he was still around later in the evening I'd dance with him then, but right now I wanted to relax and have some fun. Some time later, he asked again and I said yes. We closed the nightclub down, and at the end of the night, he gave me his phone number. Didn't even ask me for mine! I went on with my friends and promptly lost his number. Amazingly, the next day, I dialed what I vaguely thought was his phone number. And it was!! We went out that night, and we've been together ever since.

Being a biracial couple in the South, for us, is no big deal. If anyone has issues with us we haven't witnessed it to our faces yet. We do find that everyone remembers us and our family. We go to a restaurant as a couple or family, and anytime afterward all the waitstaff know us and all about is. To our knowledge, we haven't been discriminated against, though I wouldn't doubt that it's happened. As long as it's not to our faces, we don't know it's there. Sometimes I wonder how our children fare outside of home and how their unique heritage will affect their relationships and lives. We'll know soon enough.