On Being A Parent I

This is a subject that has been weighing on my mind for a while now. I have three children. The eldest is DD (Dear Daughter). And the middle and youngest are sons (DOS - Dear Older Son and DYS - Dear Younger Son). My husband and I have very different upbringings and thus have very different philosophies on child-rearing. It has been a continuous source of friction through our children's lives.

Me being more of the Type A and DH (Dear Husband) being definitely Type C, we can guess who got their way most of the time. Which has contributed to communications mishaps between DH and I and the children.

I love my children unconditionally. They are the lights of my life. And I know DH also loves our children. There are times, though, when our children's choices make it difficult for DH to comprehend them...as do I.  And that does not change how I feel one whit. My children are my miracles. I love them so much.

Now that I've been a parent for a few years, and my eldest is nearing 20, suffice it to say that I heartily regret some (many) interactions I had with my parents when I was between the ages of 15 and 26. Let's just say I made it difficult for my parents to...like me, let alone love me. I rebelled, as do we all. I'm not sure, though, that my parents were ready for me to rebel so...dramatically. Mom and dad became parents young (at least young for everyone in my age group), and I hit 15 when mom was 34 and dad was 36. They were both fairly young in their careers. My sister (smart girl), learned what not to do through my mistakes. Or rather, she learned better rebelling skills.

So, like I said, my eldest is nearing 20. And the last 5 years have been, hmmmm, tumultuous. I think that is a fairly tactful way of saying the first 3 years were horrible. Terrible. Wow. I'm surprised we all survived. In the last 2 years we've seen a leveling off. Not that the crazy years are over, but now that DD has been living on her own for about a year now, it's been relatively peaceful.

I think what has been a real maturing opportunity on DH and my part has been that DD came out as a lesbian when she was still in high school. She first indicated she was bisexual, but it soon became apparent she preferred female relationships. As for me. It was difficult to accept. The primary reason being that I had to face the very real possibility/probability that my daughter would not have biological children of her own. And that was tough. But what I realized very quickly was that DD is my daughter regardless. Regardless. And to be involved in her life meant loving all of her. Which, actually, was and is very easy. She has good taste in her significant others. And her GF's have always been fun, nice, pretty, and just enjoyable to be with.

To keep in DD's life, I try to spend quality time with her. It isn't always easy given our work schedules, but I try to make it work. DD and I have much the same taste in movies and books, so movies is fun and easy. Sometimes I take DD grocery shopping. And whenever I go on a trip I always bring something back for her. I do that for all my children. It's something my parents did for my sister and I, and it's tradition. I also make myself available to DD. I call and talk to her at least 2 times a week. Or at least I try; sometimes I have to leave texts and voicemails. And sometimes I bring little treats to her at work.

For DH, though, his acceptance that his daughter is a lesbian is a continuing struggle. He loves his daughter, but (and this is my opinion only) I think his religious upbringing makes it very difficult to get past DD's sexual orientation. When she spends the night (which happens occasionally when we need her  to watch DYS in early mornings), he really doesn't want her GF to stay too. (They sleep on the foldaway bed in the living room so ain't nothing gonna happen!) And many times he and I have heated discussions about what we and will not allow in the house. But I am happy to say that whenever she calls with a need he is right there ready to go to her aid.

What's ironic is that, to me, DD and DH are very much alike; stoic, keeps their feelings in, ready to help anyone in need, and most of all "I'm going to wait till he/she approaches me first before we talk." I think that with the passing of time, we may grow closer. I hope so. I am very close to my parents now, and I really want to have a close relationship with DD. There is so much I want to do with and for her. But it's not my place. Not until she asks and/or readily accepts.

I sometimes think it's easier for me because it seems as though I've always had gay friends - male and female. High school, college, work, roommates, church. It's sort of like how I have felt colorblind. I think every school I went to in my life was multi-cultural. Skin color was like hair color or clothes. I learned early what was important to me - a person's mind, sense of humor, ability to grow and learn. The fact that my children are multi-racial reminds me that color is but one part that makes the whole.

Anyhoo, there is no real conclusion to this entry. I just wanted to share some of what was on my mind. More will come. My children are each very much their own individuals and sharing their strengths and how I learn from them is important to me.

Night all!

Feeling Peckish?

Aahhh, it's one of those years. You have sucky relationship years, you have great ones. You have yucky money years, you have great ones. And then you have those years that everything is pretty much on an even keel. Well, this year is not one of those! I think it's a sucky year for relationships and health issues.



First the health issues. About 5 weeks ago a coworker didn't show, didn't call in, nothing. We all know she lives alone. I'd been trying to mentor her, so I thought I'd check up on her. Well, I call and no answer. I try again and I get her but she sounds really bad. So, I tell her get ready cause I'm taking her to the doctor. Long story short, she almost bled out; they had to transfuse her with 7 units of blood. She almost died! Longer story short, Stage III Uterine cancer, spread to a couple lymph nodes and intestine. Lots happened in the past 5 weeks - moved her to an apartment, sold her house, became her emotional surrogate mother, helped her get started with chemo/radiation. Takes a lot of time, energy, self. Then, last week, another coworker had emergency surgery for an intestinal obstruction. She'll be out for at least 6 weeks herself. Yikes!



As for myself, a few years back doctors noticed I have a heart murmur. Up to now I haven't really stressed about it. I just take my antibiotics when I go to the dentist, etc. Well, at a recent gyn annual, it was very apparent to the nurse practitioner (whereas before it was faint if heard at all). So, now I get to go for a wellness checkup (which I belatedly realized I should be doing in conjunction with my annual gyn appt). Lovely. Now I'm nervous.



As relationships go. Hubby and I have hit a low spot. I don't think it's as low as some we've had below, but it's the lowest we've had for a few years. How would you like it if your husband said you were a strange one on your 14th wedding anniversary and then three days later tells you you're not his soulmate but he'll stick with you till his soulmate comes along. On the one side, it's good he feels comfortable expressing himself. On the other side, why the hell would he say that unless he's getting distracted? And, how do you respond to something like that? I have to admit that he probably isn't my soul mate. My first love was likely my soul mate, but he was totally messed up. But why say it? And now? It does wonders for one's ego. And it keeps me wondering. I'd love to ask him about it, but he's not the type of person who will talk that sort of stuff up. Matter of fact, he pretty much sucks at communication. And he admits it. I have learned to take what I can get and tiptoe around the rest.



But I shouldn't have to tiptoe around the rest. I do know that having children complicates the matter immensely. Would we still be together if we didn't have children? Probably not. Are we staying together just because of the children? I don't think so. I think two people who aren't soulmates can be together and work together and eventually become each other's soulmate. It all depends on how each partner approaches the relationship and what and how far each person can or is willing to work out with the other. So, I'd like to think that though we may not be each other's soulmate, we can become each other's soulmate. It just depends on how willing each of us is to work toward a common goal.

My Family

I've been writing this blog for about 5 weeks, so now it's time to share my family. I'm married. Duh. My husband is Rufus. We have four children. Cassie is the eldest and the only girl. Chris is in middle school. Rufus III died at birth. Had he lived he would be 4. And Gabriel, the youngest is 3.

Rufus is a native Floridian. He's lived his entire life within 50 miles of his birth home. He's the ultimate athlete. He plays softball year-round; men's and coed. His biggest regret is that he didn't stick to baseball when he was young. He certainly had the talent. When he's not playing softball, Rufus can be found tooling around in the garage or in the yard. No lie, I have yet to go into the garage and find something the first time. He loves rearranging everything. I truly do believe he is ADD, which is why he does so well at his job. It's always changing.

Cassie is in her midteens. She lives for soccer and FOB (Fall Out Boy - an alternative rock band). Chris is 16 months younger. He's all about Anime - games, cards, cartoons, books, you name it! Sports? No way! (Much to Rufus's dismay.) Gabriel is 3. He is Autistic, but he's an expressive Autistic. He's into Pixar and Disney and Thomas the Tank Engine.

I am a native New Mexican. I moved to Florida in the late 1980's during the oil embargo and the plummeting Star Wars program. Florida was one of the few states in the lower half of the lower 48 that was still hiring. I moved with $300, no job, no transportation, 1 suitcase, and 2 boxes. I found a job the first week I was here, and I've been here (and at the same employer) since.

Rufus and I met one night when I was clubbing with some friends and he was hanging with his roommate. My friends and I walked into a nightclub, and within 5 minutes Rufus came over to ask me for a dance. I'd recently broken up with a boyfriend, so I was hesitant to play. I told him that if he was still around later in the evening I'd dance with him then, but right now I wanted to relax and have some fun. Some time later, he asked again and I said yes. We closed the nightclub down, and at the end of the night, he gave me his phone number. Didn't even ask me for mine! I went on with my friends and promptly lost his number. Amazingly, the next day, I dialed what I vaguely thought was his phone number. And it was!! We went out that night, and we've been together ever since.

Being a biracial couple in the South, for us, is no big deal. If anyone has issues with us we haven't witnessed it to our faces yet. We do find that everyone remembers us and our family. We go to a restaurant as a couple or family, and anytime afterward all the waitstaff know us and all about is. To our knowledge, we haven't been discriminated against, though I wouldn't doubt that it's happened. As long as it's not to our faces, we don't know it's there. Sometimes I wonder how our children fare outside of home and how their unique heritage will affect their relationships and lives. We'll know soon enough.