On Being A Parent I

This is a subject that has been weighing on my mind for a while now. I have three children. The eldest is DD (Dear Daughter). And the middle and youngest are sons (DOS - Dear Older Son and DYS - Dear Younger Son). My husband and I have very different upbringings and thus have very different philosophies on child-rearing. It has been a continuous source of friction through our children's lives.

Me being more of the Type A and DH (Dear Husband) being definitely Type C, we can guess who got their way most of the time. Which has contributed to communications mishaps between DH and I and the children.

I love my children unconditionally. They are the lights of my life. And I know DH also loves our children. There are times, though, when our children's choices make it difficult for DH to comprehend them...as do I.  And that does not change how I feel one whit. My children are my miracles. I love them so much.

Now that I've been a parent for a few years, and my eldest is nearing 20, suffice it to say that I heartily regret some (many) interactions I had with my parents when I was between the ages of 15 and 26. Let's just say I made it difficult for my parents to...like me, let alone love me. I rebelled, as do we all. I'm not sure, though, that my parents were ready for me to rebel so...dramatically. Mom and dad became parents young (at least young for everyone in my age group), and I hit 15 when mom was 34 and dad was 36. They were both fairly young in their careers. My sister (smart girl), learned what not to do through my mistakes. Or rather, she learned better rebelling skills.

So, like I said, my eldest is nearing 20. And the last 5 years have been, hmmmm, tumultuous. I think that is a fairly tactful way of saying the first 3 years were horrible. Terrible. Wow. I'm surprised we all survived. In the last 2 years we've seen a leveling off. Not that the crazy years are over, but now that DD has been living on her own for about a year now, it's been relatively peaceful.

I think what has been a real maturing opportunity on DH and my part has been that DD came out as a lesbian when she was still in high school. She first indicated she was bisexual, but it soon became apparent she preferred female relationships. As for me. It was difficult to accept. The primary reason being that I had to face the very real possibility/probability that my daughter would not have biological children of her own. And that was tough. But what I realized very quickly was that DD is my daughter regardless. Regardless. And to be involved in her life meant loving all of her. Which, actually, was and is very easy. She has good taste in her significant others. And her GF's have always been fun, nice, pretty, and just enjoyable to be with.

To keep in DD's life, I try to spend quality time with her. It isn't always easy given our work schedules, but I try to make it work. DD and I have much the same taste in movies and books, so movies is fun and easy. Sometimes I take DD grocery shopping. And whenever I go on a trip I always bring something back for her. I do that for all my children. It's something my parents did for my sister and I, and it's tradition. I also make myself available to DD. I call and talk to her at least 2 times a week. Or at least I try; sometimes I have to leave texts and voicemails. And sometimes I bring little treats to her at work.

For DH, though, his acceptance that his daughter is a lesbian is a continuing struggle. He loves his daughter, but (and this is my opinion only) I think his religious upbringing makes it very difficult to get past DD's sexual orientation. When she spends the night (which happens occasionally when we need her  to watch DYS in early mornings), he really doesn't want her GF to stay too. (They sleep on the foldaway bed in the living room so ain't nothing gonna happen!) And many times he and I have heated discussions about what we and will not allow in the house. But I am happy to say that whenever she calls with a need he is right there ready to go to her aid.

What's ironic is that, to me, DD and DH are very much alike; stoic, keeps their feelings in, ready to help anyone in need, and most of all "I'm going to wait till he/she approaches me first before we talk." I think that with the passing of time, we may grow closer. I hope so. I am very close to my parents now, and I really want to have a close relationship with DD. There is so much I want to do with and for her. But it's not my place. Not until she asks and/or readily accepts.

I sometimes think it's easier for me because it seems as though I've always had gay friends - male and female. High school, college, work, roommates, church. It's sort of like how I have felt colorblind. I think every school I went to in my life was multi-cultural. Skin color was like hair color or clothes. I learned early what was important to me - a person's mind, sense of humor, ability to grow and learn. The fact that my children are multi-racial reminds me that color is but one part that makes the whole.

Anyhoo, there is no real conclusion to this entry. I just wanted to share some of what was on my mind. More will come. My children are each very much their own individuals and sharing their strengths and how I learn from them is important to me.

Night all!

Turbulent Tuesday

Well, at least Monday was good. Today was a bit more exciting. I still didn't figure out why my test has a difference. But I do have a suspicion. That is first on my agenda tomorrow. That and mentoring a newbie, a not so newbie, and an up-and-comer.

(The picture is of my husband's nephew (on the left) and his crew - Iraq. He is SUCH a sweetie! Check out his MySpace - he's known as Carface.)

I woke up this morning, as usual, each time my alarms (yes, alarms) when off. I just didn't get up until 45 minutes later. So, I got to work at 7:30 - my almost usual time. Then, at 11:00, the first of two wonderful phone calls. This one from my son's middle school. He was involved in an altercation at the beginning of second period, and as a result, he is suspended for one day - Valentine's Day. Lovely.

At 1:00, the second of the two phone calls. This one from my daughter's high school. She got a second school bus referral - blocking the aisle with her legs. And now she's suspended from the school bus for a day - Valentine's Day. Double lovely.

The good thing, if it can be called good, is that my son didn't initiate the altercation. He was being harassed, and he retaliated in kind. The other boy admitted as such, so both were punished. There isn't anything good about being suspended from the bus. It means I have to leave work early to pick her up. Fortunately, my boss understands. And since I can work from home, I can make up my time tomorrow. I have plenty of work!

Gabe was such a chatterbox today. I took him to the gym with me. He enjoys the daycare. And once again, he was playing pretend - pretending to prepare and eat food. I had a good workout - 8 minutes on the ARC, 15 minutes on the Elliptical, and workout the legs and butt. The burn feels good!

Well, hopefully tomorrow will be better. Chris is going with me to work. No Gameboy, all homework and reading. Nice and boring. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. We're going to a Japanese buffet restaurant called Wasabi's. I'm still debating whether to take the kids or let them have pizza at home. Remember, they're serving suspensions tomorrow. Other than that, it'll be another day. Valentine's Day is well and good; it just comes at an inconvenient time.

Happy Heart Day!

My Family

I've been writing this blog for about 5 weeks, so now it's time to share my family. I'm married. Duh. My husband is Rufus. We have four children. Cassie is the eldest and the only girl. Chris is in middle school. Rufus III died at birth. Had he lived he would be 4. And Gabriel, the youngest is 3.

Rufus is a native Floridian. He's lived his entire life within 50 miles of his birth home. He's the ultimate athlete. He plays softball year-round; men's and coed. His biggest regret is that he didn't stick to baseball when he was young. He certainly had the talent. When he's not playing softball, Rufus can be found tooling around in the garage or in the yard. No lie, I have yet to go into the garage and find something the first time. He loves rearranging everything. I truly do believe he is ADD, which is why he does so well at his job. It's always changing.

Cassie is in her midteens. She lives for soccer and FOB (Fall Out Boy - an alternative rock band). Chris is 16 months younger. He's all about Anime - games, cards, cartoons, books, you name it! Sports? No way! (Much to Rufus's dismay.) Gabriel is 3. He is Autistic, but he's an expressive Autistic. He's into Pixar and Disney and Thomas the Tank Engine.

I am a native New Mexican. I moved to Florida in the late 1980's during the oil embargo and the plummeting Star Wars program. Florida was one of the few states in the lower half of the lower 48 that was still hiring. I moved with $300, no job, no transportation, 1 suitcase, and 2 boxes. I found a job the first week I was here, and I've been here (and at the same employer) since.

Rufus and I met one night when I was clubbing with some friends and he was hanging with his roommate. My friends and I walked into a nightclub, and within 5 minutes Rufus came over to ask me for a dance. I'd recently broken up with a boyfriend, so I was hesitant to play. I told him that if he was still around later in the evening I'd dance with him then, but right now I wanted to relax and have some fun. Some time later, he asked again and I said yes. We closed the nightclub down, and at the end of the night, he gave me his phone number. Didn't even ask me for mine! I went on with my friends and promptly lost his number. Amazingly, the next day, I dialed what I vaguely thought was his phone number. And it was!! We went out that night, and we've been together ever since.

Being a biracial couple in the South, for us, is no big deal. If anyone has issues with us we haven't witnessed it to our faces yet. We do find that everyone remembers us and our family. We go to a restaurant as a couple or family, and anytime afterward all the waitstaff know us and all about is. To our knowledge, we haven't been discriminated against, though I wouldn't doubt that it's happened. As long as it's not to our faces, we don't know it's there. Sometimes I wonder how our children fare outside of home and how their unique heritage will affect their relationships and lives. We'll know soon enough.

Happy 2007!!

Happy New Year! This year will be better than the one before! While last year could have been better, it was most definately not a "bad" year. Just a bit stressful.

In 2006 we experienced the following:

• The start of high school with our eldest.
• Which led to the struggle for independence, insolence, and the like
• Mom's first Alternative Rock concert - FOB (Fall Out Boy, for the ininitiated)
• A diagnosis on our youngest's travails - Autism
• Intro to ESE Preschool
• Gaming extraordanaire for our middle child.
• Finally, a break from Yu-Go-Oh!
• Skyrocketing gasoline prices, which have cut dramatically into our budget - still working on getting that one resolved.
• The beginning and demise of Tupperware consulting. More money and time than it is worth.
• The adoption of our 3 year old German Shephard - to a home where someone is home all the time. Thus, he gets the time and attention he deserves.
• A new transmission for the Honda
• A piano! (Given to us by dear friends who no longer use it.)
• Moving my office from one building to another at work.
• Tighter purse-strings.

As for 2007, my hopes are the following

• Our youngest get a verbal vocabulary of at least 5 words with ASL vocabulary of at least 25 words.
• Our eldest improve her grades to warrent buying a $120 pair of soccer cleats and that ever-touted driver's permit.
• Our middle continue his goal to become a vet, which means continuing A-B Honor Roll through the school year.
• Husband becomes more money-savvy.
• We get our finances on track and complete some home-improvement opportunities (namely the hall bath, a sun room, painting the kitchen and installing a chopping block, painting the master bath, and maybe, just maybe, wood floors).
• I lose 25 lbs, gaining more physical acuity.

As for my personal 2007 Resolutions:

• Maintain a workout schedule of 4 days a week
• Lose 25 lbs this year
• Bead enough items to participate in a craft fair in October
• Better relationship with my husband
• At least one trip to Dallas and one trip to Las Cruces
• Better relationship with God - prayer, read bible, find a church home for the whole family, etc.
• Financial stability

I hope everyone who reads this has good intentions for the new year and that each and every one of us accomplish at least two of our intentions.

Happy New Year 2007!!