Tis the day before Thanksgiving, and I don't have to cook. Through the generosity of my coworkers and friends, we have been blessed with enough food to last a week. And for that I am very, very thankful.
Today my Mac went kaboom. Since my mom is an Apple guru (at least to me she is), and it was her Mac first, I called her. While on the phone trying to work out what could be done we had a conversation the likes of which I don't think we've ever had. I'll try to describe it, but it's more of a rambling than anything else. I think.
Today was a good day. And though I told DH that food needed to be picked up at the local store at 6PM, he was a no-show. So, tired though I was, I took my youngest and we went to pick up the food. Midway through the store DH calls. I'm in line waiting for the food, my son is chattering away, and I'm exhausted, so I just said I was at the store and I'd be home soon. I go home to a seriously miffed spouse because I "couldn't wait for him to do what I'd asked." Crossed arms, stiff body, you know the drill.
Well, great. Been living with this man for over 20 years and he still hasn't figured that I really want things done when promised? I've compromised so many, many times. And I know he has too. The question I have is, do I want to continue compromising over so many different things? The other question is, am I settling? And then another question comes to mind. Is this how I want to continue living my life?
I know, I know. Such 'serious' questions. But you know what? These aren't new questions. I've had them for years. I mean, fell in love with this man so many years ago, and I married him without really talking to him about what he valued, what was important to him, and so much more. And through the years, we've managed to make it work.
But what drives me nuts. What really irks me. What I almost can't forgive is this defeatist attitude he has. Whenever anything goes wrong he almost always has the attitude "that's the way my life goes," like bad things always happen to him. And he droops into a state of moodiness and seeming self-pity. Then he doesn't want anyone to do anything to make it better.
Bad things happen to everyone! But when it happens, large or small, you keep moving forward. You find a way around it. Everyone's life has bumps in the road. No one can own "bad things." I refuse to believe bad situations can't be turned into something positive. So what if the laptop breaks! Yes, it pisses me off. And yes, I worry about how much it's going to cost to fix it, if it can be fixed at all. And yes, it is very inconvenient. And yes - it's going to weigh on my mind until the situation is resolved. But that doesn't mean we don't have other options. The important stuff is backed up on an external drive. And there are two other laptops available for use.
But the thing is, this happens all the time.Not the bad things. Rather, the defeatist attitude. And again, my question is, do I want to settle? Is this the best I can expect the remainder of my life to be?
I don't want it to be. I'd sell everything I owned just to move closer to my family. Gabe would have so much more interaction and such a different, fuller life. Chris would flourish. Cassie, if she came, would flourish too. Thing is, DH's home. His entire family is here. His life is here. And therein lies the rub. He's a good man. A good, good man. And I don't know that either of us is being entirely fair with the other, or entirely happy with the other. So, what to do? Continue this quasi-happy life? Or...what?
So much to ponder. Thanks for listening. Happy Turkey Day and stay safe!
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