I believe that God only gives us what we are capable of handling in our lives at the time. And I believe that God chose to take Baby Rufus as an angel so that he could watch over his little brother Gabriel. Why DH and I chose to have another child, I can't really explain. Each couple has their own reason for choosing to have another child or not. We chose to try again.
But we hadn't anticipated expecting quite so soon. The emotions, stress, all that, convinced me it would be some time before I could get pregnant again. Boy, was I wrong! First time, whoopee! Five weeks later I bought five different pregnancy tests. Each morning I took another one. Each time it was positive. Terrified can't begin to describe how I felt. When I called DH in to tell him we both started crying. We opted to keep the news from our children until absolutely necessary.
Long story short, DH accompanied me to every appointment. And since the pregnancy was now considered high-risk, there were many more appointments. Of all my pregnancies, this was the most difficult; and not only because of the overwhelming fear that this child, too, may be taken. Sixteen weeks in I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. I also had an Amniocentesis. I'd had one the previous pregnancy, but this one? In the first attempt the doctor nicked the placenta, so he had to do it again. The longest 10 minutes of my life. So, in addition to checking my glucose levels five times a day, I had to follow a strict diet.
Twenty-two weeks in and I started experiencing pre-term labor. From that point on I had two ultrasounds a week along with weekly fetal monitoring. At least once a week I was admitted to the maternity ward to receive an IV for meds to slow down/stop the labor. At 24 weeks I was on bed rest. No work, children at school, no heavy activity. Too much time to think, wonder and panic. I poked and prodded almost incessently to be sure I could feel the baby growing inside me wiggle and squiggle. If five minutes went by without movement I panicked and started poking and prodding again.
DH asked if I wanted a baby shower. My response was a resounding 'No.' I didn't want to jinx the pregnancy, and I didn't want to relive the pain of putting away another baby's belongings that would never be used. So, nothing in the house changed.
We told our children in July as they were getting ready to go on their first plane ride sans Mom and Dad. They were going to visit my sister, her family, and my parents in Texas. They were shocked. And what we were hoping was that the trip would soften the blow. I don't think it did. A few nights before they flew home my sister called and described an incident involving DOS. I did then, and I do now, believe that unfortunate that it was (it was not serious, but it was upsetting) it was DOS's outward manifestation of his sorrow, confusion and angst.
When we found out we were expecting, our first concern was the due date. It was calendared at December 14. C-Section was scheduled for December 1. But DH and I knew baby would be coming sooner. We just hoped and prayed it would not be on November 14.
The week of November 12 was tough. Every day the labor pains continued, and every day I kept on taking my meds to stave them off. November 14 came, and we visited Angel Baby's graveside. It was hard. DD stayed close by, almost hugging me the entire time. November 15. Then Sunday, November 16, I couldn't take it any more. Our neighbor and good friend, Kim, took DD and DOS, and DH and I were off to the hospital. Not to deliver a baby, but to hopefully keep him in the womb for at least another week. But as soon as I was hooked up to the fetal monitor, IV, etc. it was apparent that baby was coming. DH left the room to make some phone calls, the nurse had already left, and I was alone to contemplate the upcoming C-Section. I tried to remain calm, but I just couldn't stop crying. I was so scared. Ninety minutes later we welcomed Gabriel into the world. He was beautiful! His apgar was 10, and he was alive and breathing.
I don't remember much of 2003. It was such a difficult year. I think I blocked much of it out as the memories are so painful. 2004 was also a difficult year, but that is for another day. For this entry is about the birth of Gabriel, named after God's Archangel. He has special needs, about which we learned the first three years of his life. And that only makes him that much more precious to me.
Happy Birthday, Gabriel! My Earth Angel.
No comments:
Post a Comment