This is a subject that has been weighing on my mind for a while now. I have three children. The eldest is DD (Dear Daughter). And the middle and youngest are sons (DOS - Dear Older Son and DYS - Dear Younger Son). My husband and I have very different upbringings and thus have very different philosophies on child-rearing. It has been a continuous source of friction through our children's lives.
Me being more of the Type A and DH (Dear Husband) being definitely Type C, we can guess who got their way most of the time. Which has contributed to communications mishaps between DH and I and the children.
I love my children unconditionally. They are the lights of my life. And I know DH also loves our children. There are times, though, when our children's choices make it difficult for DH to comprehend them...as do I. And that does not change how I feel one whit. My children are my miracles. I love them so much.
Now that I've been a parent for a few years, and my eldest is nearing 20, suffice it to say that I heartily regret some (many) interactions I had with my parents when I was between the ages of 15 and 26. Let's just say I made it difficult for my parents to...like me, let alone love me. I rebelled, as do we all. I'm not sure, though, that my parents were ready for me to rebel so...dramatically. Mom and dad became parents young (at least young for everyone in my age group), and I hit 15 when mom was 34 and dad was 36. They were both fairly young in their careers. My sister (smart girl), learned what not to do through my mistakes. Or rather, she learned better rebelling skills.
So, like I said, my eldest is nearing 20. And the last 5 years have been, hmmmm, tumultuous. I think that is a fairly tactful way of saying the first 3 years were horrible. Terrible. Wow. I'm surprised we all survived. In the last 2 years we've seen a leveling off. Not that the crazy years are over, but now that DD has been living on her own for about a year now, it's been relatively peaceful.
I think what has been a real maturing opportunity on DH and my part has been that DD came out as a lesbian when she was still in high school. She first indicated she was bisexual, but it soon became apparent she preferred female relationships. As for me. It was difficult to accept. The primary reason being that I had to face the very real possibility/probability that my daughter would not have biological children of her own. And that was tough. But what I realized very quickly was that DD is my daughter regardless. Regardless. And to be involved in her life meant loving all of her. Which, actually, was and is very easy. She has good taste in her significant others. And her GF's have always been fun, nice, pretty, and just enjoyable to be with.
To keep in DD's life, I try to spend quality time with her. It isn't always easy given our work schedules, but I try to make it work. DD and I have much the same taste in movies and books, so movies is fun and easy. Sometimes I take DD grocery shopping. And whenever I go on a trip I always bring something back for her. I do that for all my children. It's something my parents did for my sister and I, and it's tradition. I also make myself available to DD. I call and talk to her at least 2 times a week. Or at least I try; sometimes I have to leave texts and voicemails. And sometimes I bring little treats to her at work.
For DH, though, his acceptance that his daughter is a lesbian is a continuing struggle. He loves his daughter, but (and this is my opinion only) I think his religious upbringing makes it very difficult to get past DD's sexual orientation. When she spends the night (which happens occasionally when we need her to watch DYS in early mornings), he really doesn't want her GF to stay too. (They sleep on the foldaway bed in the living room so ain't nothing gonna happen!) And many times he and I have heated discussions about what we and will not allow in the house. But I am happy to say that whenever she calls with a need he is right there ready to go to her aid.
What's ironic is that, to me, DD and DH are very much alike; stoic, keeps their feelings in, ready to help anyone in need, and most of all "I'm going to wait till he/she approaches me first before we talk." I think that with the passing of time, we may grow closer. I hope so. I am very close to my parents now, and I really want to have a close relationship with DD. There is so much I want to do with and for her. But it's not my place. Not until she asks and/or readily accepts.
I sometimes think it's easier for me because it seems as though I've always had gay friends - male and female. High school, college, work, roommates, church. It's sort of like how I have felt colorblind. I think every school I went to in my life was multi-cultural. Skin color was like hair color or clothes. I learned early what was important to me - a person's mind, sense of humor, ability to grow and learn. The fact that my children are multi-racial reminds me that color is but one part that makes the whole.
Anyhoo, there is no real conclusion to this entry. I just wanted to share some of what was on my mind. More will come. My children are each very much their own individuals and sharing their strengths and how I learn from them is important to me.
Night all!
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