Have You Ever Wondered?

Have you ever wondered what old flames are up (or down) to? Have you ever tried to find out?

Sometimes I do. I have to admit it. Why? I'm sure that each person has their own reason. Mine is primarily curiousity. Is he still alive? Does he have children? Did he finally find the woman who could tame him?

Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I cruise the internet. And right around the 3:00 AM, what I would call the witching hour when it's darkest, my brain is in shutdown mode but my eyes are in "ooh what's this" mode, I start trolling for a few folks from the past. Not least of which is an old flame I'll call "Nate". Nate and I had an on/off relationship for 7 years. Some of the best sex I ever had until I met my husband. Problem was Nate had several monkeys on his back. The two biggest were booze and drugs. I'm not talking your garden variety pot and pills. I'm talking horse, bathtub crank, the works. The other problem was when Nate was straight, he was a dream to be with. So, I lived for those times, few and far between though they were. And when it was good, it was very good. But when it was bad, it was worse than very bad. Eventually, Nate landed in a medium security prison for 4th degree felony grand theft.

You would think I'd end it there. But no, I let myself be seduced by the possibility that he could be reformed and we could live "happily ever after." So, like a fool, I became his ward so he could parole out after a year. By that time I was living in another state, having graduated college and gotten a job. So here comes Nate and the first thing he says is "you've changed.". Hmm, ya think? New state, new culture, new job, new responsibilities. I dunno, maybe I changed just a bit. But then he wasn't the same either.

We gave it the good old college try, but 3 months, $5,000, a crack cocaine possession bust, a motorcycle accident, and an impounded car later, I was stumped. For all I thought, we could pick up where we left off and he could start a new life. What happened instead was he went down the toilet and tried to take me with him. He was arrested one afternoon, when I had come home for lunch, for a hit and run in which a girl was left paralyzed. Yes, paralyzed. Where was I when this happened? At work. The first I heard of it was when the police arrived.

Believe it or not, I actually kept on trying to make the relationship work. I visited him in jail, which was actually more secure than the medium security prison I'd visited him in before. But when he tried getting me to smuggle contraband - ballpoint pens - into the jail, I realized he was nothing but a leech; sucking the life and happiness out of my life. I ended it that day, while visiting him in jail. I told him I couldn't do this anymore and I wouldn't be coming back.

He'd left me in debt, having run up my credit cards and used my ATM. I had to pay back thousands of dollars. That bothered me but not near as much as the broken trust. See, I'd trusted him for 7 years; through all his lies, deceipts, mistakes, etc. And when it finally came down to it, he couldn't tell me the sky was blue if his life depended on it. So, I moved and left no forwarding address. But he somehow found me, and while in a maximum security prison (for what, I still don't know to this day), kept writing me. I still have a couple of the letters. I keep them to remind me of the sickness that could have been mine.

Three moves later, I felt relatively safe. What I hadn't mentioned before is that on several occasions he'd explained to me how he would kill me if I left him. So, I was somewhat nervous about his release from this second prison. Blimey if a few months after his release he called me at work! Talk about shocked! I got as much information as I could from him and once we hung up, I called the police and reported him. It was my hope that he was still listed in NCIC with outstanding warrants. I don't know if anything resulted from my call, but I do know he's not contacted me since. And that was 15 years ago.

So, back to my original questions: Have you ever wondered what old flames are up (or down) to? Have you ever tried to find out? Yes, sometimes I do. I imagine seeing him and wonder what he looks like now, if he's alive. And I wonder, how would I react. But I don't wonder what I would say and do. I'd say "I forgive you for the wrongs you did to me. And I apologize for the wrongs I did you and for not making you accountable." I'd then kiss him on the cheek, look into his hazel eyes, brush the wavy locks from his cheek, and say good-bye.