What the...???

In a convoluted continuation along the theme of my last post....

Here's the deal. All my life I've been something of an outsider. On some levels, I totally understand why. A new school every year till I hit middle school. At times, a new state or city. New classmates. New teachers. New culture.

But on other levels, I still don't get it. Here's part of why I don't understand.

I have a sister (let's call her Jill) who is three years younger than me. We don't really look much like each other. I'm brunette; she's blonde. I have green eyes; she has black eyes. I've got a sturdy build; she's more slight. I am also pretty healthy in that I rarely get very sick. She, on the other hand, catches everything that comes within 100 miles of her. As a child, she was a regular at the doctor's office and sometimes in the hospital. While I wouldn't say I have an outgoing personality, I do not shy from populous settings. Jill now is the same, but as a child she was reserved to the point of being almost mute in many settings. So, it was natural that I watched over her. I am her big sister.

Sometimes it was like being "The Protector." She was so vulnerable. So I always tried to be there to help her. As we grew older we evolved out of that. Our family settled into a house, so Jill was able to attend most of elementary and all of middle and high school with her friends. My role as her guardian faded away. And my new role? I had absolutely no clue who to be. How to be. Not a fun situation.

How does one act when one wants to be wanted or courted as a friend or intimate? Friendship aside (that's for another post), how does courtship work? Is it looks? Personality? Sex appeal? I read all the magazine articles and tried to put many of the suggestions to use. But it's never seemed to work for me. Going out with my friends in high school and college, I was the one left sitting at the table trying not to look desperate. What was it about me that seemed to repel courters and attract 'just friends'? Oh yeah, I had plenty of just (guy) friends! Some of which I would have really loved to have gone out with. But nooo. They were more interested in being friends with the girl who was friends with the girl they wanted to go out with. I was the sympathy dance at the bar. Or the third wheel at the movies. I tried acting as though it didn't matter; that I was above all that. And for the most part, I think everyone bought it. But at home, alone, I was painfully lonely and perplexed.

So I erred on the side of the East Wind, meaning I attached to any and everything that came my way. Not that I was ever asked out much. In fact, I think I can count honest to God 'will you go out with me's' on one hand. What happened more often was a hook up; 'hey, let's leave this place and go elsewhere'. I "dated" two or three men for a few months, the longest being eight months. My first real boyfriend was in college, and he was a high school dropout. Better yet, he was an alcoholic, heavy-duty drug addict and petty convict. I honestly though he was the best I could get so I stayed with him (on and off) for seven years. It took college graduation, a cross-country move, and a major culture shock to shake him out of my system.

So, you wonder, where is this leading? Here's the deal. Since when is it ok for e-v-e-r-y man you've ever known to tell you that he was 'hot' for your sister, friend, cousin, mom, whoever??? Can you shove the knife even deeper and twist it ever more???

Thank you for telling me you were friends with me because you wanted to get close to my sister! Thank you for saying you would rather have spent alone time with my friends! Can I be honest here? Really? I don't give a flying flip! I would have rather continued my life thinking you valued me as a person, girl, woman, friend, potential intimate than find out my value was only that of a go-between.

When oh when will someone value me and want me?? Am I destined to die second best??