I'm in a bad place. Not physically, but mentally, emotionally. I've battled depression and self-worth issues for most of my life. I'm happy to say the truly dark times have been few and far between. But lately, with finances being what they are and no one to really talk to about it, it's been getting more difficult to stay positive. What keeps me going are my children - human and animal. But even there, I feel overwhelming guilt that I should be doing more.
Since we moved to the house were are presently living in, it seems as though we are having to stretch our dollars further. For the longest time, really since Baby Rufus died, I've not been motivated to keep on top of the finances. I've been doing the finances since the children were little. But when Baby Rufus died and my happy world collapsed, everything changed. I couldn't find joy in my life. Yes, my children were my joy. And yes, Gabriel is the light of my life. But other than them, I didn't enjoy everyday life. It was so bad that I even gave up that which I've loved doing since before I can remember - reading. Only in the last 1 1/2 to 2 years have I really been enjoying books again. That is about 8 years.
And honestly, I think the only thing that really thumped my out of my hole was the bout with cancer. I was forced to do literally nothing for 6 months. That gave me time to reflect, rest, and just 'be'. And while it kick-started me, it didn't get me totally out of the low-grade depression I think I've been in. So, I've been half-heartedly participating in life, not really doing anything but just going along, day by day, being pulled up by the obligations of family and job.
And so, I finally started paying attention to my life. The problem is, while I was in that hole of low-grade depression, the bottom dropped out of everything else. Financially, we are hosed. I mean, if we didn't have all the medical bills, we might actually be breaking even by the end of the year. But we owe about 10K in medical, and we need to pay about 2K before the end of the year for medical expenses that have nothing to do with the 10K we already owe. DD needs her wisdom teeth removed. They are causing serious issues. And I have a tooth that needs a root canal. And DYS needs new glasses as his old ones aren't strong enough for him to see the chalkboard. And DOS should be attending college this upcoming semester. Oh, and DH's truck - necessary for transportation - is on the fritz and needs about 2K in repairs.
All of this is over and above our monthly bills which we are about 1 a month behind. I tried working 2 jobs for about 3 years. It wore me into the ground. I could do it again, but should I? DH flat out refuses to get a 2nd job. And why should he? Since I manage the finances and they are in the toilet, it's not his fault. Yes, we've talked about him taking over the bills. But he won't step up to the plate. He's all talk and no action.
Which leads to the other major issue. DH and I. We are in a funk, rough patch, bad stretch, whatever. We are more like flatmates than husband and wife. And when we try to talk, we follow the same pattern we've followed for 20 years, which basically means we don't talk about anything other than softball and the weather.
I try talking to my mom, but it's hard. Because one, she wants to solve her baby's problems and she can't and two, she's not all that crazy for DH anyway and anything I say just makes it worse. I am always afraid she thinks I'm asking for money when really all I am trying to do is get all this angst off my shoulders for a bit. So, for today, this post is handling my angst. While I will post it for other to read, I may remove it as it says a lot more than I probably should say.
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